Ted Cruz blames Obamacare for his hangnail

On the campaign trail Wednesday, GOP presidential candidate Senator Ted Cruz, who has promised a campaign chock full of “hard truths that Americans need to hear”, announced that the passing of the Affordable Care Act in 2010 (aka Obamacare) is directly responsible for “this really irritating hangnail” he’d been nursing all that day. Cruz, whose speech centered on the evils that Obamacare has wrought on America, continued by saying, “But it’s not just my hangnail … It has become clear to me that the President’s healthcare policy is also the reason for my speeding ticket last June, as well as that time when the waitress at Denny’s was kind of rude and abrupt with me.” Senator Cruz then proceeded to announce plans to repeal the law for the 700th time, calling such action “critical to the future of the American republic.” At press time, Cruz was at his privately insured doctor’s office getting his hangnail taken care of.

Supreme Court rules 9-0: Donald Trump an asshole

In a unanimous ruling late Saturday night, the Supreme Court confirmed once and for all that Donald Trump is “unequivocally, without a doubt, definitely a huge asshole.”  The case, Common Sense v. Idiocy, reached the high court this year, after a lower court found Trump to be “kind of mean, honestly.” Idiocy appealed to the Supreme Court on behalf of Trump, but ultimately found an unreceptive bench awaiting them. The ruling represents a huge victory for Common Sense, who up until this point have found themselves stymied in the election cycle. All of that changed, though, when the smartest legal minds in the nation declared, “Donald Trump is an embarrassment to American democracy as we know it.” Even Justice Antonin Scalia – a fiery conservative member of the Court – said, “I thought I was the meanest, grumpiest person I knew, but Mr. Trump has put those thoughts to rest.” Despite the ruling, Trump’s poll numbers continued to skyrocket, a phenomenon that political scientists are attributing to the overwhelming majority of Americans not knowing who the fuck Antonin Scalia is.

Local vegan woman ceases to exist

Local vegan woman Lisa Strawberry vanished into thin air last week at the age of 23, after a tragic incident during dinner. According to preliminary reports, Ms. Strawberry, who was dining on a quinoa and kale salad at the time, forgot to mention to her dinner companions just how wonderful it is to be vegan. Witnesses say that at first nothing seemed obviously wrong. A dinner companion who wished to remain nameless told the Pioneer, “Dinner was actually going pretty well, but then I noticed that something was a little bit off. I was having steak and eggs, and Lisa didn’t say anything. She always says something.” Having kept her mouth shut for the entire meal about the myriad moral and health-related reasons that every person ever should be a vegan, Strawberry disappeared forever into a thick cloud of smoke. It appears as though her silence during dinner cost Strawberry dearly, as vegans suffer from a rare health condition in which if they forget to constantly reference the wholesome benefits of veganism, they simply cease to exist in the plane of our universe. Just like that – POOF, they are gone.