The most recent polls are in: Bernie Sanders has overtaken Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nomination, causing Clinton to forfeit to Sanders before the first Democratic debate. The deciding factor? An official Whitman College endorsement.

If you haven’t heard the name Bernie Sanders before and don’t feel the urge to be publicly flogged with Birkenstocks or burned at the stake on Ankeny, never fear. Bernie Sanders is a Democratic senator from Vermont running against Hillary Clinton and a few guys who kind of look like the dudes your dad plays golf with. In addition to his soft grunge hair care aesthetic, Sanders is fiercely committed to alleviating economic inequality, an issue that many Whitman students are vaguely aware exists from their bi-monthly readings of the New York Times.

Sanders’ appeal comes largely from the fact that he cares about issues directly affecting a wide variety of Whitman students. Sanders’ racial justice platform appeals to all those at Whitman with a token black friend, and his bold plan to make college tuition free piques the interest of students who have heard stories of economic diversity, but considered them a myth, kind of like Big Foot or libertarians.

Sanders is a strident proponent of grassroots campaigning and fundraising, and his Whitman endorsement was just that. It all started when an aggressively idealistic student, White Male (pronounced “weet mah-lay”) learned what the wage gap was in a 100 level Economics class and got way too stoked on the value of his single vote in the electoral college. Male went home, skimmed a few Buzzfeed news articles, outfitted his Patagonia with a Bernie 2016 monogram, and was ready to condescend to all of his friends with a heavily rehearsed “Oh…you’re voting for Hillary…?” 

In order to ensure Sanders’ success in the polls, Male began registering Whitman students to vote under the condition that they pinky promise to vote for Sanders in the primaries. When The Pioneer approached students leaving the voter registration booth, one student said, “I’m not really sure what these primaries are, but I already feel a tremendously unwarranted sense of accomplishment. This is democracy at work.”

The Sanders movement at Whitman has largely capitalized on the overwhelming apathy of Whitman students by registering students to vote, thereby inflating a false sense of political involvement. “The first step is getting people registered to vote, the second and third steps would probably be to ensure they’re educated on the issues and the voting process…but that’s not really the Whitman way,” said one student while patting himself on the back with his official Bernie 2016 Self Congratulator.

The future looks bright for Sanders at Whitman College. Drunk party conversations about Sanders’ revolutionary ideas continue to thrive among students who swear they “only smoke cigarettes when they’re drunk,” and water bottle sticker sales are going through the roof. After all, 1600 idealistic votes are really what decide a presidential race, right?