As a man who is no stranger to unemployment, I am honored to unveil the Student Engagement Center’s latest attempt to delay my inevitable move back to my parents’ basement. Finally the Whitman student body and I will be able to learn skills which will be useful to us in the job market of contemporary America like how to froth a mocha and look good in an apron.

I am of course referring to the new pre-barista track available to all Whitman students. Those who choose to pursue a pre-barista degree will find themselves on the fast track to some of the most prestigious Starbucks cafés in the entire country (like the one in which Steve Jobs invented the iPhone while getting a handjob behind an espresso machine).

This is not, however, to say that aspiring Whitman baristas will have it easy. On the contrary, those future coffee vendors among us must undertake a rigorous courseload of classes specifically tailored for soon-to-be baristas. These include: Whatever, Man 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Apathy, Sarcasm 220: It’s Such a Worthwhile Class, Nihilism 307: Who the Fuck Cares?, Nihilism 308: No Really, Who the Fuck Cares? and Beginning Acting (often considered to be the start of some of the most illustrious barista careers).

Yet, in today’s competitive barista market, the right classes alone might not be enough to secure even the most promising young Whitman student a job making lattes. This is why the SEC has recently provided grants for internships at local coffee shops. The newly founded Barista Department (motto: id quod plerumque accidit, or “knowledge is overrated”) is already a roaring success, with many students already switching majors in anticipation of not being able to find a job after college.

Well, it’s a new and challenging world out there for many Whitman graduates. However, with the addition of the pre-barista track, many Whitman students will be able to overcome the uncertainty in the outside world with one simple question: “Is that for here or to go?”