Anti-orgy Manifesto Discovered at Backpage Offices

The following is an anonymous letter sent to the back page by a person identifying him or herself only as the “Walla Walla Watcher”.  Our field analysts tell me it is both a follow up to and an elaboration of a post on the Whitman Encounters website(made on the evening of November 19th). The content of the letter is represented here in its entirety, though in the interest of good taste the description of “a bacchanalian fisting-fest” has been abridged.

Dear sex-crazed alcoholic cretins,

I have lived in Walla Walla of my own volition for almost a year now( which in and of itself is a feat of endurance and a possible sign of my mental instability).  This clearly makes me an expert on all of the social microcosms and intricacies of not only Walla Walla as a whole but Whitman as well.  I also frequent a local Safeway(mostly just to purchase cat food, frown at copies “People” magazine and ponder my squandered youth) where I get to watch Whitman college take a big steaming dump on the proud Walla Wallan culture.  Don’t believe me?  There are now so many frat boys and hipsters threatening the indigenous population of this beautiful town that the annual running of the meth heads has been canceled this year.  But I digress.

I think we all know what the real problem with Whitman is….Orgies!  That’s right, I said it.   We need to stop these administration-sponsored, frat-based bacchanalian fisting-fests as soon as possible.  Why just the other day I heard an unspeakable rumor about Georges Bridges, five lusty co-eds and an ill-fated bowtie.  The incident in question allegedly began when Bridges propositioned a gaggle of drunk Kappas saying that he preferred happy endings over new beginnings any day. He then proceed to….(this part of the letter has been omitted entirely as the first three backpage interns to read it went through complete mental breakdowns and subsequently had to be institutionalized after attempting to claw their own eyes out).

So, when these “students” aren’t going to “college” learning how not to use “quotation marks” like an asshole, they are likely drinking, smoking pot or intertwining themselves in a mass of sweaty writhing, granola-fueled passion.  Nothing could be further from my college experience.  I went to a small college in Kentucky (a state famous for its definitely not bourbon) run by the Amish.  After four years of abstinence, pit toilets and piety I was able to obtain a degree in both quilting and butter churning.  Without my education, I would undoubtedly be unable to keep up with the high level of discourse found on Whitman Encounters (Socrates himself could hardly indicate his interest in getting a blowjob from an internet stranger more eloquently).  Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that, while Whitties occupy their time with occupying each other’s orifices, they should really be studying, barn raising or grinding their teeth in sexual frustration (just as I spent my formative college years).

-Walla Walla Watcher

A fierce rebuttal from “Blackout” Bill Feldiland, president of the DFOC (Drunken Frat Orgy Committee) is reportedly on its way as well as a public denial/apology from George Bridges.  As always, the backpage will have more on this story as it develops.