Illustration by Lya Hernandez.
Traditions: the keys to keeping everything moving smoothly. When traditions are broken, society loses track of what it needs to do. Tradition is how this country has been functioning for the last couple hundred years.
The United States has the oldest written Constitution in the world. Due to its ultimate power, America has never lost a war. We won World War II with our own strategy and destroyed the chaos in the world. The Civil War was won by America and the Constitution helped keep the country together. The Revolutionary War was won by the Constitution before it was even written. The strength in our constitutional tradition is incredible. Wars just keep winning themselves. Osama was killed and the British suck. Our country has been running on the Constitution for too many years for it not to be perfect.
Recently, citizens of the United States have started questioning the way America is being run. It looks as if these 200 year-old traditions are going to change because of a few damn hippies and some insane junkies. It is frightening the sane creatures of America. Our traditions do not need to change. They are perfect.
These insane ideas of change must be the result of the epidemic of hallucinogenic drug addiction. America used to drink alcohol, but with the creation of LSD and other hallucinogens like ecstasy and even marijuana, people now think our government is being run by a bunch of rich white males. Well, it has been run by white males for over 200 years, and our country did just fine –– no problems at all. What does capitalism even mean anymore? The tax on the rich is ridiculous because they are the ones who make the jobs. Without jobs, cash can’t flow to the poor and capitalism doesn’t work. Ever heard of social Darwinism? Work hard and get rich! When we decide not to elect a 60-plus year-old white male as our president, our country falls 16 trillion dollars in debt, gas prices rise, we get universal health care and people pretend that climate change is a real thing!
This is bullshit. First, climate change is just something some damn tree huggin’, pot smokin’ hippie made up so that people wouldn’t seem so selfish. Just stop with the ice caps melting. If they are, then good, because I won’t have to put ice cubes in my scotch anymore. Two, we are NOT Canada, so why did we implement universal health care? I don’t want to pay for other people’s health care with my own precious hard-earned money. Fuck, make my walls bigger around my 250 million dollar property because they are only five feet tall right now and I can see over them. I want America back!
Now that my America has been taken from me (I was here first), the only great thing going for me besides being people I am a white male (but I don’t have any extra privileges) is Whitman College. Our Board of Trustees is filled with rich white people, most of whom are males. These people love having cheap gas prices and have been investing money in oil companies for decades. The majority of the student body is from upper-class families and the diversity is at an all-time low. It’s perfect. Then, our president is the cherry on top of the white whipped cream on top of the vanilla cake: He is a senior white male, most likely upper-class (I am just glad he is a white elderly male). He wears bow ties instead of regular ties, which makes him super classy. Wait, now I am getting news that he has left? Well fuck, Whitman College is divesting from traditions. This college is getting flushed along with the rest of America. Oil companies won’t be sending money to support the rich white students with more “financial” support. The traditions of Whitman make it what it is, for our traditions are the only things sacred to us.
John Stuart Mill said, “Society stops progressing when people stop questioning the way society functions,” or something like that. Well, Mr. Mill was wrong, because if society functions well, then why is there any need to progress? The traditions we keep cause society to function. Without tradition, there would not be a Christmas, a Thanksgiving, a Father’s Day, a Halloween or a New Year’s Eve. Yes, without traditions there are fewer reasons to drink and people will start to get unhappy. Believe me, I’m a doctor.+
