Nut shrinkers are league underdog

Dylan Snyder

Fantasy Football is taking over Whitman’s campus, but one man is the most mediocre of them all. Kyle Seazly is owner/GM/president/coach of the startup TKE1 league’s Steroid Nut Shrinkers. The Nut Shrinkers have jumped out to a hot 4-4 record, good enough for fifth place of the eight-team league.

Steroids season got off to a rocky start, being the only team to use Yahoo! Sports auto draft feature to begin the year. Kyle foolishly prioritized his mother’s birthday dinner over his fake football team, which left his team at a distinct disadvantage. Upon examining his roster the next day Seazly exclaimed, “At least I got Megatron, you guys are going to suck it!” Since then it has only been uphill for the Nut Shrinkers, as they have turned into one of the more competitive teams in the league.

The strong receiving corps of Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, Demaryius Thomas and Pierre Garcon originally carried the Nut Shrinkers. Seazly also lucked into one of the early season surprises in the Steeler’s Le’veon Bell. The start to the season would go well for the Nut Shrinkers, as they scored a league high of 143 points in week one, but injuries and questionable free agent decisions would soon derail the once promising season.

In week two Kyle decided to stick with what got him the big win and made no roster changes, but scored only half the points his first game. This introductory look into the volatility of fantasy football rocked Seazly hard. He moped around the house cursing the 49ers defense and tight end Vernon Davis for their performances until the waiver wire opened on Wednesday. Seazly also takes the bold strategy of always carrying two kickers, and as Kyle puts it, “I play kicker on our IM team dude.”

“You can never have enough good legs to fill out a roster,” he said.

Week four was the turning point for Kyle’s Team, after leaving one of his crucial running back slots empty and getting embarrassed by the Stick Pony Battalion, owned and operated by Ben “The Hebrew Hammer” Eisenhardt all the way from Israel. The Nut Shrinkers new resolve was a little slow to take off, as he was once again taken advantage by Big Blunts after giving a motivational speech to his computer on Saturday.

Week seven is where we really saw the big turn around as he came out swinging against Cobi’s Grand Team to snap his short losing streak. The injury to Calvin “Megatron” Johnson is taking its toll on Nut Shrinker morale. Seazly is commonly pacing back and forth these days offering musings about how the Lion’s might use his favorite player to maximize fantasy output.

The newest dilemma facing Steroids is the quarterback positions. Seazly has held fast on his devotion to Matt Ryan, whose fantasy output has been steady despite the Falcons dropping fat dookies each and every Sunday. The inspiration for change was brought on by Ben Roethlisberger’s near record setting performance in week eight single handedly putting up 44 points for the Steroid bench. Kyle’s inability to properly pronounce Roethlisberger hasn’t factored into the decision at all. A change at QB would be a bold move for the Nut Shrinkers, as Ryan has showed some real fantasy leadership of this team, being the only player to start every week. Real Ben Roethlisberger is coming into his out with the addition of some receiving help and actually starting to speak to his coaches again.

All in all the Nut Shrinkers have some work to do if they want to make the playoffs, but as of right now they are one of the most dangerous teams in the league. With Seazly’s devil-may-care attitude about dropping and adding as many players in a single week as some teams do all year, the sky is the limit of this rag tag team, or they could crumble and burn pretty easily too.