I once knew a boy named Tom. He was an interesting kid. I swear if I ever penetrated his mind it would be different than everyone else’s. So I asked him, “Why do you do those things you do?”

His response dumbfounded me and persuaded me to think differently.

“I think, therefore I do,” he said. Tom wanted people to understand him. However, when you decide to do everything you think of, a strange representation begins to materialize.

He gave me an example: “I remember one time when I was walking through the park, I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be interesting if I slapped this woman across the face.'”

Well, the woman, who was wearing jogging shorts and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, was United States Congressional representative, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, so what could have been a seemingly simple encounter turned into a terrible screeching horror. Tom thought, so he could not turn back. His mind made him get fully torqued, ready to swing at Ileana. The slap came out of nowhere for Ileana, which is a surprise because she is on the Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on Middle East and North Africa and usually ready for anything. Tom tried to slap lightly, but his full swing ended up twisting Ileana’s head around like the girl in “The Exorcist” and her body pretzeled in flight. Ileana, looking like a broken cripple kicked to the ground, looked up at Tom speechlessly for only one second, allowing Tom to apologize.

However, with no time to explain, Tom was deafened by Ileana’s hateful scream, “Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck you asshole. Good luck in jail.”

The brief encounter stunned Tom and an awkward silence fell as shocked bystanders glared. Tom felt his heart racing and his head coming up with another action. If he were to think, “I should go over and kick her in the gut while saying, ‘No, fuck you. Don’t you remember! You stole my life,”’ then Tom’s time in jail would cause other problems for his body.

Then, Tom thought of the best thing in the world… DAVID BOWIE. Although Tom may not come across as a very talented singer, his voice can make songbirds sound like ass farts. Without hesitation, Tom became the spotlight. With the crowd already awestruck, their jaws unhinged with the notes ‘Let’s dance! Put on your red shoes and dance the blues,’ and the image of Tom starting to dance toward Ileana. Tom put his hand out for the Congresswoman and surprisingly she took it without understanding why. The tension broke and people’s moods changed. Tom succeeded in evolving the scenario from a first-movie Neville to the Death Eater killer.

This brief encounter was one of many situations in which Tom really fucked up. There are many more where his thoughts caused treacherous actions and possible arrests. At other times, however, his mind caused him to save people by jumping in front of trains. In this specific encounter, the outcome from a violent outbreak turned into Ileana and Tom becoming friends. After learning about Tom’s lack of free will, their friendship bloomed and Ileana actually tried to limit the free will of her actions. She has gained respect from other representatives by doing the unspeakable.

Although Tom’s actions tend to have severe consequences, he is thankful for his ability.

Tom once said, “It is not how you should act, but how you should think, for your thoughts should be good and your actions better.”

Wise words from a wise Bruce Lee because Tom stole that quote (that fuckhead).