Bacon. The future of food, and the life source for 99 percent of the world population. But is bacon really that good? Bacon is little more than fat, a miniscule amount of meat and the image of a dead pig. Imagine little pink pigs with tiny spiral tails, add blood splatters, a stake for the head while removing the eyes, and have that blank dead stare eat away at your soul. Science has spoken: Pigs are the most disgusting animal on the planet. So why do we like to eat them so much?
When we capture pigs, farmers take machetes and hack off their hind legs as they squeal in agony. After the hind legs have been removed, farmers often laugh at them trying to roll in the mud. To release the pigs from this world, the farmers take a hammer or blunt object and smash in their skull. This is the technique in slaughtering pigs. Mud stays in a pig’s bloodstream for up to a month. Science has spoken: Eating food off the ground is not healthy and neither is eating food with mud on or in it.
Bacon has gotten enough attention. Now, the camera zooms out and turkey enters as undercover brother to stop bacon madness. It has all the benefits of bacon without the downsides. Turkeys are funny-looking animals and look even funnier when they are dead and cut into small thin slices and fried on the skillet. Whenever a nice skillet of turkey bacon is cooking, I hear a big bellied laugh from my good neighbor, David Bowie. Then we slap hands and fall in love with life again. It even has more meat and less fat. The healthier choice –– more meat always means more love. Life is supposed to be satisfying, but how can it be when bacon fat clogs your arteries? It’s quite unpleasant when all you want to do is move your arm, but your artery is clogged and that push pin feeling is making you want to tear your skin off. Turkey bacon is the new love and the fresh, hip, younger brother bringing goodness back into the world. Turkey sure brings happiness to the United States.
Thanksgiving is a time where turkey controls the United States. When describing Thanksgiving to foreigners, I often start out by drawing a gigantic turkey. Then I draw out a map of the United States and the turkey’s brain waves making the U.S. population dance. Everyone sits down to eat turkey just once a year and loves it. We need more turkey. To turn it into bacon is more revolutionary than the Revolutionary War. Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird and he is one of the great humans of America. No one wanted the pig to be the national animal. Also, America, our one pride and joy liquor is whiskey, and when a brand, Wild Turkey, decides to have turkey in the name, then turkey is the realist, most awesome bird.
Undercover cops can stop a lot of crime when in the right place. Clogged arteries are creators of crime in the United States and bacon is the perpetrator. To rid this country of the problem, we need to rid our country of pigs and gather our turkeys. This nation was built on turkeys and thanks and giving. Now is the time to gather our undercover brother and save the nation. Turkey Bacon is the peace, love and hope this country needs.
The United States loves to make things big. That is why we have Texas. So let’s bring turkey bacon to the universe. Well, the universe is really enormous so that will not happen. However, I love America’s big thinking and the creativity. When the United States adopts turkey bacon as its love, pride and country symbol, the message will be spread. The world will hear the message, and turkeys will be raised with love and slaughtered to satisfy the desire for turkey bacon. So I ask you not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for your health, love and taste buds. Turkey bacon shall rule the world.
