Illustration by Sophie Cooper-Ellis.
Astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson surprised many at his talk at Cordiner Hall on Thursday, Sept. 11, when he wholeheartedly embraced creationism as a legitimate origin story and dismissed all of his previous scientific pursuits.
“Let’s face it, guys,” said Tyson. “There’s no way the earth is 4.54 billion years old. I can’t even count that high, even if I tried really hard. Six thousand is a way more reasonable number.”
A hush developed over the crowd as he announced this dramatic shift in values to the Walla Walla audience.
“I’ve come to realize that this whole science thing –– well I don’t mean to shock anyone –– but it’s just a bunch of hooey balooey,” he said.
Halfway through “balooey,” half of the Whitman science faculty fainted. One physics professor, an admirer of Tyson, reportedly vomited and pooped his pants at the same time. A picture leaked and #vooped began to trend on Twitter, with kids responding by tweeting pictures of them vooping on their homework. Yet for all the fainting and vooping, the room was still in complete silence. The audience wanted to know why Tyson has turned his back on his beloved mistress Science.
“The Earth was created on the fourth day. The Bible says so. Death is the result of man’s sin. Do we really want millions of years of death, or just 6,000? I mean, come on. Plus, do Neanderthals go to heaven? These are questions science can’t answer,” said Tyson.
“I must admit,” he continued, “I was making most of that physics shit up. The apple that hit Newton on the head knocked the sense out of him! He should have taken a page out of Adam’s book and avoided apples altogether! Don’t even get me started on Darwin. It’s a well-known fact that Satan planted dinosaur bones to test our faith. I’ve embraced the truth. Can you?”
Tyson dropped the microphone and walked off stage after his 30-second speech. The loudspeaker started blasting Switchfoot, and the smell of vomit, urine and feces drifted through the room. It wasn’t helpful that the Walla Walla Zookeepers had brought 20 different species of animals for children to look at after the talk to help encourage interest in science among youths.
In an exclusive Skype interview with Tyson in his hotel room, he explained his choice to me.
“Science just hasn’t made sense to me since I started working with mercury in the lab without protection,” he said. “I just really wanted one of those old-timey beaver hats.”
Tyson directed me to a website that he claimed was indisputable proof of creationism. The website, answersingenesis.org, reads, “Why does this argument fail? We’ll show you. Take a pencil or pen. Hold it in the air. Then drop it to the floor. That’s gravity. Next, make a single-celled organism –– like an amoeba –– turn into a goat. Go ahead. We’ll wait … No? As you can see, there’s a fundamental difference between operational science, which can be tested through repeatable experimentation, and historical science, which cannot.”
After that, I vooped and realized Tyson was right.
