Everyone is familiar with the infamous and overpriced Smirnoff Ice, an enticing source of joy for some and dread for others. Everyone is also familiar with the butterfly effect, which says that causes you instigate have far-reaching and often unpredictable effects. Since Boris Smirnoff first hid a bottle of Ice in an orifice in his wife’s room, an epoch started that has no signs of slowing down.

The plague unleashed on that fateful day has finally hit Whitman when one international student already tainted by the sickness hid an Ice under a Phi Delta Theta member’s pillow. With that the campus has been thrown into a state of civil war which is causing more sorrow than a case of lice. Students have been heard in every corner of campus trying to get their fellow students to say words that have “ice” in them. When the word ice is uttered, an Ice is presented and the victim is forced to take a knee and supplicate until his beverage is finished.

“What do you think about this epidemic?” I asked a small, mousy girl during a series of interviews.

“I––seriously––shit,” said the girl upon realizing that she had said “ice.”

Pulling an Ice out of my pocket I saw a look in her eye.

“Can you hand me that?” she asked.

“What? This fly swat––shit,” I said, before she handed me an Ice. She had already done this twice yesterday.

These sort of occurrences have been seen everywhere, from the classroom to the frat house. There was one story of a math professor drawing a triangle on the board and a student inquiring what that triangle was called. Upon answering “isosceles,” the student produced a Green Apple Ice from his bag and the professor was forced to drink it in front of the whole class. This example, while rather novice, is indicative of the seriousness of the situation.

As you can see, we are in a crisis. The entire Whitman gym has even become a battlefield where armistice will never likely occur.

“What areas of your body are you excerc-ice-ing?” one student was tricked into saying.

“Your b-ice-ps?” said one eavesdropping student before realizing his blunder.

“Jesus Christ,” said a passing student who also now became part of this unfortunate chain.

Left to their own devices, it seems students are not pious about their drinking. There seems to be no solution for this terrible vice despite meetings by administrative officers. The only idea put forth is restricting stores with an alcohol license to sell this devilish beverage to Whitman students. In their desperation to reach a concise answer to the problem, a forum has been opened up ready to receive any and all advice. I suppose waiting and seeing what is going to happen is the only choice we have. But, I suppose, as is the spice of life. Soon a discovery will likely be made, more revolutionary than Copernic-ice (Get the joke? I learned about him in icestronomy), or perhaps Lady Luck will roll the dice and an answer will appear making students revert to their old habits of being overly nice.

For fun, make your friend read this article aloud and have a surpr-ice waiting for him.