Though downplayed as an “outdated issue” and an old stereotype of Mormons, polygamy finally entered the political ring on the Monday night before elections. President Obama announced that he was both officially changing his stance on the issue, and that he and Oprah Winfrey are getting married.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and hey, three’s company,” said Obama over a couple tallboys in an exclusive interview with the Backpage. “Plus, I got a sugar mama, and an Obama mama. What more could I ask for?”
Winfrey and Obama had been apparently seeing each other for some time and talked over polygamy with Michelle. “That sounds really chill,” she said, responding to Barack and Oprah’s wishes to start a polygamous relationship among the three of them.
Although Obama tried to pawn off the move as one for love between him, the first lady and Oprah, some Republicans interpreted it as a desperate political maneuver.
The results, however, were devastating to Mitt Romney.
“He destroyed Romney’s base,” said one political analyst. “Some of the more traditional Mormons voted for it, because of tradition blah blah blah. But it was the liberals of Utah who really won the state for Obama. With the coalition of those two groups, and Obama’s shift of stance only published in the Salt Lake City newspaper, The Golden Plates, he clinched the election.”
Liberals of Utah, it seemed, wanted a couple wives as well. “I’m sick of all this composting, recycling and feminism. I want a couple wives!” said wind farmer Ted Hughes.
Indeed, President Obama carried the state’s five electoral votes, causing him to win the election. Dan Rather pointed out, “Utah going to Obama turned the election into a landslide.” Historically, Utah has not given its electoral votes to a Democrat since they outlawed polygamy there in 1995.
Mitt Romney’s concession speech noted Obama’s genius political move.
“Who would have thought Americans would have been so accepting of polygamy? I thought I was appealing to voters who clung to guns and religion!”
He went on, “I thought the people of Utah would have my back, since I was part of the committee that brought the Olympics there. But Obama’s cunning last-minute waffle turned out to be worth around 30 silver pieces.”
“It was close,” said Obama, “but I think the showing in Utah really illustrated how Americans feel about marriage.”
Indeed, polygamy turned out to be on most voters’ minds across the country.
“We legalized the devil’s lettuce and gay marriage in Washington. Let’s legalize polygamy! I thought that’s what those ‘legalize it’ shirts were about in the first place,” said one Washington resident.
Obama, on the other hand, is worried. He doesn’t know whether to call Oprah the second lady or to just call both Michelle and her first ladies.
“The decision has probably aged me 10 years.” noted the President. “Also, Oprah wants me to start smoking cigarettes again; she says it’s glamorous. I don’t know who to turn to.”
