Shakespeare once said that alcohol “provokes the desire but … takes away the performance.” I don’t know what he was talking about there, but obviously Shakespeare didn’t think about NASCAR when he said that it would take away from the performance.

Indeed, NASCAR executives announced, to the surprise of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) and other organizations, that it would now be instituting a mandatory minimum Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) in its drivers.

“Plus the fans and the drivers will finally be on the same level,” said Jeff Gordon, a large proponent of the mandatory rule.

The minimum BAC level instated is currently .08, legally drunk, but if you’re above .15, you only have to do half as many laps.

The rule came after a year of falling ratings, with many people dismissing America’s favorite sport as just for hillbillies who like watching things go in circles. What do NASCAR fans love? Crashes and beer.

“So why not combine the two and make the sport require some actual skill for once?” said one board member.

Indeed, the sport has made quite a comeback, and surprisingly, even Whitman students are putting down their Encounters books and tuning into ESPN to watch the drunken debauchery occurring on national television.

Crashes have increased by 500 percent and some racers even get out of their cars to fight each other while cars zoom by at 200 miles per hour.

The government, in a response to this quest for higher ratings, has sent police to attempt to pull over the NASCAR drivers on the track and write them up for driving while intoxicated. The police, of course, could not catch the drivers, which simply made for a hilarious episode of “Cops.”

Formula One in Europe has attempted to get in on the ratings boost, but it turns out they were all drunk to begin with.

“I’ve never had so much fun in my life. But sometimes I do get a little carsick, due to all the turning and the booze,” said Dale Earnhardt publicly.

MADD has responded thoughtfully and carefully.

“Although it may seem fun at first, this is actually dangerous. They are drinking and driving at 200 miles per hour!” said a MADD spokesperson.

NASCAR executives declined to comment.