A couple weeks ago, investigative reporter Tristan Gavin brought forth several accusations regarding the forced “pinging” in which Whitman first-years are forced to engage. The hazing accusations have led to immediate action on the part of the administration calling for an end to the ancient tradition.
Strange reports have begun surfacing all across campus, leading some to believe that pinging was in fact an ancient ritual to keep the restless ghost of Chief Hololsotetote from rising from his grave. Students and faculty alike might have seen the monument erected to him to the right of Lyman House. What people may not know is that he is in fact buried next to his entire army under the Amphitheatre. Further surprising many is the fact that Whitman was constructed on a millennium-old Native American burial ground.
“I was lying in my bed, and I heard this banging and yelling seemingly coming from the ceiling. It was terrifying,” said one 2-West resident.
Another sophomore said she saw zombies stumbling across Ankeny Field after Sigma Chi’s rave.
“They had strange glowing halos around their heads colored neon pink! I had to hide on the ground to avoid them seeing me!” she said.
Perhaps most frightening were reports of a strange gathering during one night last week in the Amphitheatre.
“I was walking home and I saw a circle of what looked like robed figures standing in a circle chanting about something to do with The Pioneer! Something about initiation?” said a senior.
It is clear there is something strange at work on campus. These reports of walking dead, strange gatherings and ghostly moans from within Jewett are certainly discomforting.
Has investigative journalism gone too far? If the result is a rise in a long-dead Native American chief and his army, then I would have to say it has.
Luckily, undercover informants have told this reporter that a certain detachment of students has been considering holding pinging rituals at least bi-weekly.
If you happen to see this anti-zombie ritual, give these brave students a salute and carry on.
