Students across campus have been ranting and raving about the new Whitman shirts available in the student bookstore.

Last year’s shirt––with simply the word “unpretentious” scrawled across it––sold like hotcakes, some estimates putting total sales upwards of $3 million nationwide.

The new shirt––with the word “diverse” and the subtext “not racist”––is selling even more quickly, as Whitties scramble to show off their open minds and colorblind eyes. The shirts, coming in either black or white, have led some groups of students across the nation up in arms as they seek to get them banned.

On Whitman’s campus, the Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity is perhaps the most vocal group. Almost nightly, members have been heard shouting, “Wake up, Jewett!” as if trying to make first-years open their eyes to the travesty of the shirt.

More radical groups of students have even deigned to remove any words associated with colors from Whitman.
“Imagine our frustration with TKE’s Charlie Brown rush shirt. How can a student at this college really be unracist and still use words like ‘brown’? Don’t even get me started on the White Party,” said the leader of one of these radical enclaves.

Perpetuating the shirt crisis even further, debaters have begun creating their own shirts with the text “U.N.racist” written on the front in Sharpie.  Not only is this not a word in the English language, it is a blatant rip off of the “not racist” shirts. It is also a blatant attack on the United Nations. It has prompted the Model U.N. team to call in the Model NATO to quell the debate insurgency.

The Whitman administration has decided to remove anything that could be considered offensive or racist from campus.

“We are considering spray painting Ankeny Field grey and changing the name of the school. How could we not have realized that ‘Whit’ is too close to ‘white’ and ‘man’ is offensive to females and gender-neutral people everywhere?” said the de-facto leader of the movement. The school, which is going to change its name to Diverse College, is already printing cups, sweatshirts and bumper stickers.

The shirts, which currently sell for $15 in the student bookstore, are still available. Next time you’re in Reid getting a coffee or sweet potato tots, consider picking one up.