The Backpage had the opportunity to sit down with the beautiful yet notorious editor-in-chief of The Pioneer last week. Upon entering her lair of propaganda and untruths, posed as a News reporter, I had to brace myself for what could potentially be the most strenuous and life-threatening interview of my career. I kept some garlic and a steak in my breast pocket just in case.
Backpage: Thank you for having me today; I had no idea you had such a busy schedule.
Rachel Alexander: You smell like garlic.
Backpage: Yeah, I had an omelet for breakfast, and maybe went a little crazy on the garlic powder. Anyways, congratulations on your prestigious position as editor-in-chief of such a well-respected publication.
Rachel Alexander: It has its perks. What exactly did you want to know? You were a bit hazy in your e-mail.
Backpage: Well, I understand you heavily edit everything that makes it into The Pioneer [note: the only section she does not edit is the humor section]. Why do you do this?
Rachel Alexander: Well, I like to think of Whitman as a “happy place.” I feel like anything deviating from that image is downright evil.
Backpage: So you control the information The Pioneer conveys?
Rachel Alexander: Me, and my gang of five, I call them the Politburo––er––I call them quality control.
Backpage: This is sounding an awful lot like communist China under Mao.
Rachel Alexander: Similar, but not the same. People only need to know so much. What if everyone on campus knew about the hidden hot tub on top of Prentiss or the fact that they do in fact serve brunch in Jewett?
Backpage: You can’t hide the truth; there will be a revolution!
Rachel Alexander: There is so much you don’t understand. What if I told you this practice has gone back since the conception of The Pioneer all those years ago?
Backpage: I don’t understand.
Rachel Alexander: There is only so much Whitties should know. They are so young, full of life just thinking about it makes me shudder. We need to keep it this way! Things must stay the same! What if an article got published revealing the fact that people here are not always down to go hiking or that the whole campus doesn’t like “Game of Thrones”? There would be chaos.
Backpage: You can’t get away with this! It’s wrong!
Rachel Alexander: I wasn’t done! There’s something much darker.
Backpage: It’s true, then? You’re a vampire?
Rachel Alexander: Yes.
Backpage: Why are you telling me this?
Rachel Alexander: Every year, one of your kind comes into an interview and let’s just say, they don’t leave alive.
[Pulling out the garlic, I tossed it at her. She began to scream.]
Rachel Alexander: Too bad no one truly knows how to kill a vampire.
[I pulled out the steak* and slapped her across the heart with it. She melted into a pool of water. In her seat lay a pile of articles, unedited. This paper you hold in your hands is the conglomeration of the unadulterated columns I was able to save from the clutches of evil.]
*Everyone thinks you use a stake to kill a vampire. This is a common misconception. You use a steak.
