Is Halloween just a complete drag for you? Do you just want to punt every little five-year-old you see wearing some dumb costume he or she bought at Wal-Mart? Do you want to incinerate all sorts of candies in a heaping fire fueled by the rage in your heart? Well, too freaking bad! I’m sure you’re the kind of person who has considered alternatives to this festival of wonderment and joyfulness and happy. And I’m gonna be the guy to shoot down all of those alternatives. Bring it.

Beggar’s Night: You think that giving to those people who need it most would be the best way to spend your evening. You think that maybe, just maybe, your work can help alleviate the symptoms of poverty that not only plague Walla Walla, but also the United States itself. Well, there are dozens, if not scores of children out there who want candy, and they want candy right now. Will you deprive them?

National Caramel Apple Day: You may be inclined to believe that putting a fruit inside your candy will make it somehow healthier. Lipstick on a pig, much?

Irish October Bank Holiday: If you have even thought once about celebrating this holiday that shouldn’t exist, you ought to be beaten mercilessly with a shillelagh. Irish banks don’t deserve holidays until the economy gets fixed.

Samhain: Oh, you freaking hipster. “I’m going to celebrate the Gaelic holiday that was cool before Halloween existed and took it over.” Get with the times.

UNICEF day: I actually have no problems with this. As long as you are explicitly “Trick-or-Treating for UNICEF.”