To prepare the Whitman masses for the upcoming Family Weekend, the Pio Think Tank Team has procured a list of possible scenarios of how the weekend could go. Take heed.

Good Weekend: You and your mom spend a pleasant evening attending a social gathering with some other first-year students and their parents.  Your friends think that your parents are so awesome.

Bad Weekend: The harmless party that you and your parents attended turned out to be a cult initiation that forces all of you to quit school and occupations and work on the cult’s soy bean plantation.

Good Weekend: Your mom decides to surprise you by inviting Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Elwyn to tag along for the weekend.

Bad Weekend: Your mom decides to surprise you by inviting Aunt Gertrude and Uncle Elwyn to tag along for the weekend.

Good Weekend: Your buddies agree to let your dad play on your flag football team that day and you watch in amazement as the Old Geezer rushes, catches and stiff arms your team into victory.  You, your old man, and the team win the IM tournament championship.

Bad Weekend: Your buddies cautiously agree to let your dad play on your flag football team, but, before the first play of the game, Dad tears his ACL, pops his hip out of place and slips a disc in his lower back while bending over to tie his tennis shoes in the pre-game huddle.

Good Weekend: You and your parents attend a cross-cultural dinner that includes delicious dishes from all over the world.  You all agree that the pad thai was absolutely scrumptious.

Bad Weekend: Your parents get food poisoning from the sour escargot that they each courteously tried at the cross-cultural event so as to not look like the lame, overly conservative parents.

Good Weekend: Your parents are pleasantly surprised and impressed by the rug you bought and put in your room to up the “ambiance” and add that they are glad to see how you have grown up.  They marvel at the fact that your floor is so clean, and their opinion of your moral character is greatly enhanced by this observation, and your dad gives you a congratulatory fist-bump.

Bad Weekend:   As you proudly show your parents the new rug you bought for your room, you trip on the corner, rolling the rug onto itself and revealing the scandalous stains underneath from last weekend’s reckless “fun”. Your parents comment on how disappointed they are that you haven’t matured since leaving home and ask you to seriously reconsider your morals.

Good Weekend: You are happy to find out that both your and your best friend’s mothers enjoyed a night of dancing and socializing together at one of Walla Walla’s high-end wine venues.  It is the beginning of a friendship that will last for years.

Bad Weekend: You are horrified to find out that you and your best friend’s moms got arrested the night before for getting trashed at one of Walla Walla’s sketchy underground bars and then following some townies to partake in the TP-ing of “that pretentious college that thinks it is so much better than us.”