Top 10 Animals of 2010:

10. Antelope

9. Badger

8. Moose

7. Chipmunk

6. Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever

5. Loris

4. Otter

3. Babies

2. Cats

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top 10 ABC Family Shows of 2010:

10. Kyle XY

9. Secret Life of the American Teenager

8. Lincoln Heights

7. Primate Kate

6. Make it or Break it

5. Grounded

4. Synchronize This!

3. Greek

2. Ahead of the Curve

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top 10 10-year-olds of 2010

10. Denise

9. Gerald

8. Emma

7. Eva

6. Henry

5. Olivia

4. Madison

3. Harold

2. Fischer

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top ten reasons why I would love to sit next to Dick Van Dyke on an airplane:

10. His hair is still as luscious and thick as it was in his Mary Tyler Moore days.

9. Of all the suave and smooth guys I can think of, Dick is at the top of that particular list. Even surpassing William Shatner and Ryan Seacrest.

8. One time when I was watching “The Dick Van Dyke Show” with my mom I told her, “I want him to marry me.” We would sit on the plane, discussing politics, dancing, his career, my “career,” and two people would fall in love that day.

7. I imagine Dick to smell like freshly cut grass and sweat and cedar mulch and a simmering Crock-Pot of beef stew. All my favorite scents.

6. After a round of Blood Mary’s, Dick and I would open up Skymall Magazine and joke about how ridiculous the crouching Buddha side table is among other items in the magazine, only to realize that we both have a desire to purchase the robot that opens your mail.

5. Dick is said to be one of the Sexiest Men alive (in 1975), so . . . that’s a good reason.

4. Dick would inevitably ask for my number and/or e-mail depending on if he knows what that is and we would forever be connected like that married couple who decided to get their left fingers surgically attached instead of exchanging rings.

3. Dick is still receiving royalties from Nick at Nite for his show. I ain’t sayin’ I’m a gold digger. But . . . teehee.

2. After moving into a large yet classily understated mansion in Beverly Hills following our intimate wedding in Seychelles, we would agree to have two kids. Dick would jokingly refer to me as his “new Stepford wife.” I would laugh and we would embrace in a passionate and romantic hug.

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top Ten Jeans Styles of 2010
10. Mom
9. Carpenter
8. Stonewashed
7. Low rise
6. Boyfriend
5. Acid-washed
4. Flare
3. Bootcut
2. Skinny
1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top Ten Baby Names of 2010
10. Jason
9. Stephen
8. Christopher
7. Jaden
6. Jacob
5. Logan
4. Jackson
3. Aidan
2. Jack
1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top 10 Nail Polish names:
10. Red Hott
9. Tickle Me Pink
8. Wet T-shirt White
7. Daring Diva
6. Please Me Purple
5. Traffic Stopper
4. Sassy Lady
3. Ice Queen
2. Night on the Town
1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top Ten Ambiguously Gay Duos

10. Mike and Ike
9. Missy Elliot and Ciara
8. Sandra Bullock and Hillary Swank
7. Michael Moore and Michael Moore
6. Ted Haggard and Jerry Falwell
5. Lady Gaga and Stefani Germanotta
4. Carrots and Ranch
3. My dog, Bret, and my friend hannah’s Dog, Jemaine. (They get it on)
2. My Left hand and my right hand
1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and Kanye West

Top Ten Ways to be Cool in 2010

10. Know about the Internet

9. Know cool things on the YouTube Broadcasting Network

8. Know how to FaceBook

7. Know how to Twitter

6. Know how to wear black so you don’t look like a burglar or Sandy, post-transformation, from “Grease”

5. Know how to ignore your parents’ calls when you’re around friends but not ignore them to the point that they think you don’t love them and then they loose love for you even though they said “we’re here for you no matter what” when they were dropping you off for college and then they are like “we never hear from you, Jennifer!” and then they stop paying for your college because they think it’s a bad influence and then you have to work at your dad’s plastic wrap store in Hoboken, Texas for the rest of your life and your dog (your only friend) dies somewhere in that mix.

4. Know what foods are “hip” and “in” with the “crowds [of youth]”. e.g.: Ocean Swirl Caprisun, Go-Gurt, any cracker or chip that isn’t a triscuit.

3. Know that you must feign sexual attraction to vampires or else people will yell “GET OUT OF HERE MOM. GO READ EAT, PRAY, LOVE” during a heated dinner discussion of a novel series entitled Twinight or something like that. Say you are “Team Jacob” no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

2. Know to never mention that your mom told you to read Eat, Pray, Love and you loved it so much you already booked tickets from “Eat, Pray, Love Travel Agencies” to complete a scheduled and organized pilgrimage through India, Italy, and Your bed.

1. Know that, no matter what, coolness is in the eye of those who are judging you.

Top Ten Most Frequently Used Words in My Classes and or Essays:

10. Perpetuate

9. Tension

8. Problematic

7. Tend

6. Disconcerting

5. Perhaps

4. Justification (Justify)

3. Nuance

2. And

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Top Ten Rejected Album titles for Kanye West’s Newest Album “My Beautiful Dar Twisted Fantasy”

10. I’m Sorry Taylor Swift (get over it)

9. Obama Hates Blacker people

8. $50k Late Registration Fee

7. Breaking up with a tall albino supermodel is hard to do

6. Remember when I killed 50-cent’s career?

5. Dream Factory

4. What Dreams May Come

3. Sweet Dreams are made of these

2. Fantastic Mr. West

1. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy