If living with your friend teaches you anything, it’s that passive aggression can be the most frustrating and annoying thing you will ever encounter in your life. It’s like, just tell me what’s one your mind, don’t beat around the bush. I’ve been keeping track of all the passive aggressive things I’ve heard since moving into my new house with my best friend forever Billy:
1.) “I don’t necessarily mind that the living room is so dirty, I’m just wondering how it got so messy in such a short amount of time.”
2.) “Yesterday, I found this T-shirt lying on the ground in the living room and I’m just going to go ahead and say that it’s probably the grossest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not saying it needs to be washed I’m just saying don’t leave it on ground.”
3.) “Hey Joel, it’s just a little disconcerting when you do that in the middle of the living room. I don’t care that you put a T-shirt down before doing it. Just don’t do it.”
4.) “Um, I don’t want to be confrontational but Joel you really need start using the bathroom to do that. I know you like ‘being outdoors’ and going on ‘camping trips’ but when you come home, you leave those habits in the woods. This is brand new carpet for god’s sake and the T-shirt is in no way protecting.”
5.) A Post-it note I found on the dining room table: “Seriously Joel–I can’t take this anymore. If I see one more turd lying in the middle of the living room, I’m moving out and you won’t have anyone left to split the rent with, not to mention you’ll have no friends. Please start using the toilet.”
6.) “Are you kidding me?! What in the hell?! This is outrageous. Outrageous. Is this: How on earth were you not potty trained as a kid, Joel? Use the god-forsaken TOILET. And while I’m having guests over?! C’mon dude. New low, bro, new low. I can’t believe how many times I’ve had to remind you. I’m moving out.”
7.) [Haz-Mat b-holes that Billy called.]: “Sir, we’re going to need you to evacuate the premises. The fumes in here are highly explosive. You’ve put yourself and your neighbors at risk of house fires and contracting Hepatitis B. We need to sterilize the house.”
SO annoying right? I mean it’s like, come on. People can be so afraid just to tell a dude upfront, “Hey Joel, I’m man enough to admit that I have a turd phobia.” That’s all I want to hear. Instead, dudes get defensive, yell, blame it on the fact that I “haven’t been raised well.” It’s not like I was raised by wolves. They’re called coyotes, okay? And they’re much more intelligent than the world gives them credit. God. Different strokes for different folks raised by different animals, you know? Jeez.
