Ketchikan: Imagine dumpster. Now, imagine that dumpster inside another dumpster, covered sticky and smelling like filthy sex. Welcome to Ketchikan.

Juneau: Unless you’re of drinking age, Juneau is a pretty dull place. Even if you’re of drinking age, it’s kind of depressing.
Anchorage: Awful. Just awful. Not only is this city colder than balls pretty much year-round, it looks like it was laid out by stoned fourth graders. A shopping mall next to a prison next to a school next to a shoe store? Really, Los Anchorage? Never go here.
Haines: Haines is okay by me. The town is nice, the people are attractive and it’s within driving distance of a decent fire- works stand. Nice work, Haines.

Pelican: This place is fucking insane. Year-round, 128 people live in Pelican, yet it still manages to support five function- ing bars and liquor stores. Every year they host a music festival called the Boardwalk Boogie, featuring bands from all across Alaska. It’s kind of like Sasquatch, only instead drawing a bunch of stoned college students, the Boardwalk Boogie mostly draws sad alcoholics who either have been or will be convicted of domestic abuse.

Sitka: Great community, delicious food, and adorable children. Think Grover’s Corners but with fewer ghosts. Also, IT IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, and the people there will probably not murder you or try to sell you drugs.