There are a lot of parties happening every weekend, but only The Pioneer’s chief party reviewer, Stangenhoff, has the expertise to critique them.

Sexual Fantasies Party
2.3

As Michel Foucault once wrote, “Man’s sexual desires are representations of power.” Well, if that is the case (which it is), then this party, especially its theme, was weak if not impotent. “Sexual Fantasies”? I forgot this was Chico State.

Nevertheless, you would think the masterminds behind this stillborn idea would be able to grasp how costumes work. To the girl dressed up as a “fireman,” let me teach you something your professors forgot to: it is in no way practical to stop fires with the majority of your abdomen showing, let alone without a function- ing hose. Unless your fantasy is the moment before your horrific incineration, I suggest you do your research next time.

The only thing possibly more offensive than the unoriginal, last-minute-Good- will-purchase attire was the music selection: 2007 called and wants its DJ back. The ratio of slow jams to “bangers” was far below what is appropriate for a party of this nature. The party’s one highlight came in the form of a particularly fetch- ing young woman who came dressed as a cat. Well played.

Hipster Party
3.4

From the moment I realized there wasn’t a non-filtered American Spirit Blue among the smoker-filled porch, I knew that this party would “not” be authentic enough. Even if I did not employ Derrida’s “hipster theorum” (which I do), this party failed to capture the un-essence of hipsterdom: people talked about Vamp Wknd enthusiastically, dancing was encouraged and coke was served sans-mir- ror. The “center piece” of the party was a “concert” by campus band White Vow- els, who produced a sound I can describe at best as a poor man’s Justice remix of a MGMT song. Also, the chillingly noticeable absence of felines made me feel like there was an official ban on cats. This “party” was so bad I couldn’t even “enjoy it” ironically.

Frat Party
8.9 –– Best New Party

Just as I thought I’d wasted another weekend, along came this gem of a party. They told me the theme was simple and elegant (which it was): “Cat Parade.” There was a colorful assortment of whiskers, cute-button noses and triangle ears that you would be crazy not lick your paws over. Purrrfection. I blacked out pretty early into this one, but it should suffice to say it rubbed me the right way.