Postulate: Alex Kerr is an insidious arson snake

Okay, usually I can work through my problems with people, but when I’m expected to associate with a psychopathic criminal, that doesn’t gel with my sensibilities. What am I talking about, you ask? I’m talking about the fact that Alex Kerr tried to set Goodwill on fire. And even though he did a pretty shoddy job of covering his tracks, no one seems to be wise to him – except me.

Let’s examine the facts, shall we? First off, Alex was obviously there on the night of the fire. Take a look at last week’s article from the Whitman Pioneer: “Whitman sophomore and Pioneer humor editor Alex Kerr was on the scene the night of the blaze.” First off, Whitman College is so ready to get down and have Alex’s babies. The amount of time they take listing his titles and accomplishments is almost as long as the damn article itself. Sophomore AND humor editor? Is that even remotely necessary? For shame, Whitman. You should put up more than a fight than that.

Moving on –– allow me to quote Alex himself. “‘I was meandering to Safeway, and downtown was utterly deserted,’ Kerr said in an e-mail.” That’s right it was, Alex. Because when everybody goes home to their families and homework like normal people, there’s nobody around to see your true, evil nature. And what the hell? You e-mailed your statement to the Pio? Isn’t it standard procedure to have an in-person interview? Maybe it is –– for people who aren’t afraid that their lies won’t show through in their empty, empty eyes. Also, the beginning of the article states that “the fire was determined to have originated at approximately 1 a.m.” And you were “meandering” to Safeway, Alex? Safeway CLOSES at 1 a.m. If you really were trying to make it there to buy your Nutter Butters or whatever the hell else sick people like you need at that time of the morning, you should have been SCRAMBLING to make it to the store by closing time. But “meandering”? I don’t buy it.

I think we all know how the rest goes. Alex discovers a fire outside Goodwill, calls the police and fire departments, who then subsequently put the fire out and save the building. Alex is christened a hero of the people. Don’t any of you see the truth? Alex started that goddamn fire HIMSELF, and when it got out of control he hatched a new plan and subsequently “reported” it, making himself even more of a false idol on this tiny little campus. And you all are eating it up like Fire & Spice. For shame.

But hey, it’s not like I’m going to be able to change anyone’s mind with this anyway. If you all want to worship at the temple of Alex Kerr, that’s your prerogative. Ignorance is bliss anyway, right? Well, for sheep, anyway. I’m just saying, don’t be surprised when you hear about Alex defusing a bomb in Olin next month. Because he will. BECAUSE HE DESIGNED AND PLANTED IT HIMSELF.

Signed,
Evan Cartwright

P.S. You want to know why Alex wears a hood all the time? Because he comes from a long line of people descended from deceitful cobras, and now he pays homage to them by emulating the cobra’s hood with his own flannel one. Seriously. Look at his Facebook picture.

Wait, you’re not Facebook friends with Alex Kerr?

Sorry. I don’t buy that.

Counter-postulate: A Rebuttal by Alex Kerr

No I didn’t.

Signed,
Alex Kerr