Everyone knows we’re the happiest people on Earth AND that the Princeton Review are the best, most controlled poll-takers anywhere. Look it up, it’s a fact. Eighty six percent of you believe that, too. But what are we more proud of, our record-setting smiles or our record-setting Catalpa trees? What, you didn’t know that “Seven record trees can be found on the Whitman College campus” as declared in Robert Van Pelt’s Champion Trees of Washington State? Champion! That means at some point another tree had to pack up its dreams and go home because our tree KICKED ITS ASS! So who’s better?



Happiness: I’ma kill you, tree.

Tree: That’s completely beside the point. In a question of who brings more prosperity to Whitman, it’s me. Not only do I harbor the wildlife that our students know and love, but:

H: Shut up. You know why people come here? Because of our L.L. Bean-quality poster shots of teenage U.N-delegates laughing at the empty space between them on Ankeny or other quirky locations. You think we could make those things if our students were just “content”?

T: I’m on those posters too.

H: Yeah, but you’re not a feature player: no one says, “Look at that tree! I’m going THERE.”

T: Well, what about all the dissatisfaction with the statistics about fraternities and their paint-related activities? Where does that come from if you’re really doing your job?

H: I can’t control what happens over at Phi Beta Miserable.

T: That’s not real.

H: Neither are termites.

T: Yes they are! They are very, very:

H: Shut up. Just shut up before I give you termites.

T: You can’t do that.

H: I’m Happiness, you soil-depleting moron! Termites eat because they’re happy eating!

T: I just, just…I don’t feel like this conversation is going anywhere.

H: You’re not going anywhere, you’re a friggin’ tree! AH HA HA, BURN IN HELL!

Editor’s note: Following the conclusion of the debate, Happiness got overconfident and promptly destroyed itself by joining the debate team. Tree got depressed and metamorphosed into one of those whomping shitberry trees around campus that smell terrible.