Dear Seniors,

Given that you are re-entering the real world and expanding your efforts beyond the Whitman Bubble, you will inevitably face a life somewhat different from the heavily integrated life in college that you’ve been leading (where work is the same as home and friends and lovers are the same as colleagues).

Now, the real world is full of these blurry boundaries too (I know this because I’m married to a colleague and certainly spend time doing work at home).  But it’s going to feel a little different. It’s filled with more opportunities for you to negotiate the boundaries (if there are any) between the paid world of work and the unpaid world of home (however you conceive of that term), and everything in between.

Some of these may not apply to you for a few years, and some may never apply.   Maybe they’ll make you look at your own upbringing in interesting ways.  And so, I humbly offer some tips for managing that negotiation…

1.   If you have a partner, and you have a complaint, call it as it happens, but do so productively and with compassion.  A good marriage or life partnership works when each partner does her best to make the other partner successful.
2.   Draw boundaries in your life, if you need them, and be explicit about them to people whose lives are affected by the drawing of a boundary.
3.   Check your rotation: if all of the areas of your life (work, personal life/family/partnerships, body-mind-spirit, community) rotate in stress level over a month or a year, you’re probably okay.   If one or two areas are always stressful, then ten years (or less) from now you may not be very happy.
4.   If you have children, and if you throw a birthday party for them, buy yourself a present.  Also, let your kids play with dirt AND watch a little TV.  Moderation is key in most parts of life, and a little popular culture savvy can be a blessing.  It’s good to teach kids that early.
5.   Hire someone to clean your house, and pay them well.
6.   Know your workplace policies AND cultural norms.  Find out about both of these with regard to work-family balance as soon as you can.
7.   Read what researchers say about your occupational culture, whether it’s fishing, raising children or being a lawyer.  Find out if people in your line of work seem to be happy people.
8.   Don’t consider yourself lucky if you happen to be in an egalitarian relationship.   Consider it more normal than it is and it may become so. To be lucky means that your situation is unusual or exceptional, and things are not really changing.
9.   Make sure your kids see you at work, especially if you’re a woman.  If you participate in the paid labor force after you have children, and the kids say, “You don’t want to go to work, do you Mommy?” — respond with “I do want to go to work because it makes me happy, and because it means I can provide a good life for you.   But I love spending time with you more than anything else.”  There is little room for guilt in our lives.  It is a counter-productive emotion.
10.   Have a good sense of humor about work and family issues.
11.   If you have spent the last four years figuring out that your independence matters to you tremendously, as many Whitman students do, you may need to teach a present or future partner how to help you when you feel vulnerable (because you will).
12.   If you are in a position where you have a partner, have date nights. Love your partner.  Know that there is no single person in this world who can meet your every need, but it’s nice to come close.

With warmth and blessings,
Michelle