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I woke up this morning to find my bed empty. As in I was alone. That is to say I did not hook up. And I thought to myself –– what the hell, ladies? It’s winter. Where are you?

For some people, summer is the season of romance. Spring also gets credit for inspiring people to get busy. Personally, this makes no sense: In my mind, animals are a constant reminder that the products of sex are babies, which would encourage a nun-like policy of celibacy. Sophomore Eliza Young, being contrary as usual, claims that for her, “fall is the season of love.”  

Well, Eliza –– screw you (Oh wait, it’s not fall). It’s that kind of thinking that has gotten me in my current predicament. Winter, by far and without a doubt, is the best season for getting cozy. After all, that’s what cold weather is all about –– getting warm again.  

What’s that you say? Why is winter so much better than those warmer weeks of summer, or those months of spring and autumn when the temperature becomes your very own fickle mistress? Well, thank you for asking.

First of all, everybody looks good in a coat. In fact, everybody looks pretty much the same in a coat. Do you see where I’m going with this? Competition, while good for such trivial matters as the economy and sports, is not well-suited to getting up in somebody’s guts. Winter is the one time of the year where America’s love of physically fit people falls by the wayside, making room for the fatties. If you can just keep your shirt on until go-time, odds are you’ll probably get into his or her pants. What are they going to say? “Never mind, I thought you just had a chunky sweater on”? By the time someone realizes that you have tricked them with fashion, it will be too late.  

But it is not just this adventurous little element of surprise that makes next weekend a good time for hooking up with me. Cold weather outside typically means that people are hunkered down inside and getting liquored up. Winter temperatures prevent the prowler’s worst enemy: the moving target. Having someone essentially trapped in one place, while a little creepy, is in many ways perfect for convincing someone to go to bed with you.  

If you happen to find yourself in the enviable position of both looking good and being practically quarantined off with an eligible biddy and she doesn’t seem like she’s too into it, you can comfort yourself with the thought that she are probably just suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (see article). It’s not you; it’s the lack of Vitamin D running up in her bloodstream. In this case, I generally try just pushing the issue as far as I legally can. Often, their depression will result in apathy, which can lead to sex, albeit cadaverous.  

With all these cold weather perks, I am confused as to why winter is still regarded as an unlikely season for romance (if romance is defined extremely loosely). Sure, some people have told me that they do, in fact, prefer winter to all other seasons for hooking up. It is entirely likely that you are one of these people who claim to treat winter with all it’s due respect. Well, prove it! I think it’s pretty clear what I mean.