With summer comes lemonade, bikinis and, of course, the inevitable summer blockbusters. Through the hustle and bustle of summer madness, it is difficult to know which flicks to anticipate and which to stay far, far away from. Luckily, we are here to help. Use this guide of upcoming summer films to guide you when you find yourself trying to beat the heat in a nice, air-conditioned theatre.
Delta Farce (May 11)
Boris: I would rather be shipped to Iraq than watch a movie where Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and DJ Qualls are shipped to Iraq.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End (May 25)
Boris: I haven’t really heard anything about this movie, though supposedly it’s based on two obscure prequels. Pirates are so 1692, so it’s probably a good bet to stay away from this snoozer.
Day Watch (June 1)
Greyhavens: The preview for this Russian movie from “visionary director” Timur Bekmambetoc is somewhere along the lines of “300”: even if the movie sucks, we’ll be dazzled. Subtitles probably won’t mesh well with a visual style that looks like “The Matrix” mixed with “Kingdom of Heaven,” and talk of “the chalk of fate” seems laughable, but the bevy of stunts––––including a hilarious sequence in which someone drives a Ferrari sideways across a building––––look to make this a worthwhile stop.
Paprika (June 1 in Los Angeles)
Boris: This psychedelic film involves a team of scientists entering the dreams of patients to ascertain who stole an important device. While the anime style may be off-putting for some, the trailer is spectacular. At the least this film will be a fascinating look at the subconscious underpinnings of life and will display some disturbing and bizarre scenes, but I think it could easily become a classic years down the road.
Hostel 2 (June 8)
Boris: Why?
Fido (June 15)
Greyhavens: Probably the most delightfully unexpected preview out there right now: in a charming, pastoral Canadian town, people rise from their coffins as the undead––––so they can be maids and servants for the townsfolk. Without giving away an inkling of plot, the delightfully deadpan preview shows a mix of zombie horror and quaint humor somewhere between “Night of the Living Dead” and “The Stepford Wives.” The tag line is “laugh your head off.”
Black Sheep (June 22)
Boris: Another great-looking film hailing from New Zealand. Sheep outnumber people by an obscene amount in New Zealand, so it’s only natural that a Kiwi would contrive a film in which mutant zombie sheep run amok through the country. Judging by some of the humor I saw down there, this black comedy has the potential to be hilarious.
Evan Almighty (June 22)
Greyhavens: What a delightful surprise it is for the folks in the sequel business when a bit player in a hit film goes on to become a star big enough to support his own movie. Steve Carrell, who played Jim Carrey’s rival newscaster in the underrated “Bruce Almighty” and then found fame with “The 40-year-old Virgin,” is the next to be contacted by Morgan Freeman, a.k.a. God, in this part two. Charged with building an ark, Carrell will undoubtedly go through the usual trials and tribulations (like a beard that insists on growing fast enough to make him look like a certain other ark-builder) on his way to discovering the true meaning of his task; with any luck, director Tom Shadyac, who brought good-natured humor not only to “Bruce” but “Liar Liar,” “The Nutty Professor” and the original “Ace Ventura” will make things entertaining along the way.
A Mighty Heart (June 22)
Greyhavens: Angelina Jolie, in her continuing mission to prove that movies can be more than escapism (or is she just trying to make up for “Tomb Raider?”), stars in this examination of the real-life kidnapping of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl in Pakistan in 2002. Based on the book written by Pearl’s wife, and shot in a grainy, jerky, vérité style, this could either be a harrowing, eye-opening and thoughtful experience, or just harrowing. In the vein of “The Constant Gardener” and “The Last King of Scotland,” it will undoubtedly not be much fun, but the real question is whether it will have something worthwhile to say.
September Dawn (June 22)
Greyhavens: This one may not be very good (what has Jon Voight done in the past ten years anyway?), but it has something to do with Mormons, the massacre of 120 people, and a lot of historical cover-ups back in the late 19th century, so it ought to at least cause a commendable flurry of protests from the requisite religious groups on either side. Some guy who’s been in a lot of T.V. movies plays Joseph Smith.
Live Free or Die Hard (June 27)
Greyhavens: This #4 is almost enough to make me forgive them for the new Indiana Jones movie. The trailers, appropriately, wait to show Bruce Willis’ grizzled mug until about halfway through, so that you realize––––oh, shit, THAT’s what this preview is!––––just how much more bad-ass he is than the police, the SWAT team and whatever international terrorists have just been shown. At 52, Willis doesn’t seem any less able to kick butt than he was 20 years ago and good thing, because America seems to be hip-deep in thickly-accented megalomaniacs. Too bad Alan Rickman probably won’t be making an appearance. Best bonus: Willis’ new sidekick is that scrappy kid from the Mac vs. PC commercials.
Boris: Live free or die hard. Those are some pretty heavy options. Personally, I think I’ll choose live free, though I’m pretty sure the movie will be chock full of people dying hard.
Eagle vs. Shark (June 29)
Boris: I had the good fortune to see the short this movie is based on while studying abroad in New Zealand. It should be noted that while the film involves the romance between two socially awkward store clerks; the original short by director Taika Waititi starred two small children. Why this should be mentioned is because in the short Waititi showed a great understanding for that fine line between awkward and touching that is superbly caught in a relationship between adolescents. “Eagle vs. Shark” looks like it hits on some of the misfit jokes that made “Napoleon Dynamite” a hit, but also exhibits a heartwarming touch that was absent from “Dynamite.”
Transformers (July 6)
Boris: As easy as it is to rip into Michael Bay, it should be said that he can certainly direct some kickass action scenes. While his romance scenes are painfully stilted (think “Pearl Harbor” or “Armageddon”) and his dialogue concerning honor and duty is laughable (think all of his movies), robots feel neither romance nor honor and only destroy shit. As long as the dialogue given to Shia LeBeouf is minimal and the dialogue given to John Turturro is the rest of the movie, I have high hopes for this one.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 13)
Greyhavens: Some people might care that this little arthouse bonbon is coming out. I don’t really.
Interview(July 13)
Greyhavens: I know little to nothing about this movie save that it’s directed by Steve Buscemi, stars Steve Buscemi, and is about two people who are closed up slowly opening to each other. Buscemi plays a reporter who follows a glitzy Hollywood actress around for an evening and if his twitchy charm doesn’t get to her it will undoubtedly get to us. There’s pretty much nobody in the movies these days more likeable, or worth watching, than Steve Buscemi, so mark this one on the calendar even if, at present, it’s only a title.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (July 2)
Boris: Because awkward homophobic humor is all the rage right now. This could be a great way to present some social commentary on the difficulties facing gay marriage and adoption, but it will probably involve a lot of “uncomfortable” man-on-man makeouts and a furthering of gay stereotypes. Watch all the good work from “Brokeback Mountain” wash down the drain. Hollywood is progressive my ass.
Skinwalkers (July 27)
Boris: I’ve always wanted to be the prize in a fight between two tribes of werewolves. Since werewolves obviously find me uninteresting, watching this happen vicariously is the next best thing.
Greyhavens: This just looks unpleasant. Cool poster though.
The Simpsons Movie (July 27)
Boris: While some people may disagree with me, I don’t think the Simpsons have been funny for about ten years. Back in their heyday this movie was an oft-mentioned wish for many Simpson fans, but now it seems like the creators are trying to cash in on a dying franchise. The fact that rumors have floated around that Bart will show full-frontal nudity only confirms my suspicions. Really, who wants to see that?
Greyhavens: Let’s just pray they don’t screw this up. Some say the T.V. show has been dead for a while now, so this is either the thing that will kill it for good or the thing that could resurrect it. My guess is it will be a home-run, since the series has always had a keen eye for the cinematic, and nothing shows off what is so sublimely funny about “The Simpsons” like Homer’s gag with the hammer on the roof in the newest preview. It’s all about anticipation, and … the unexpected!
Rush Hour 3 (August 10)
Greyhavens: Am I the only one that thought these movies were great? Bring it on!
Superbad (August 17)
Boris: Whether this movie is good or bad, some lazy film critic is going to use the title or a derivative of the title in a review. Michael Cera has endeared himself to many a fan of “Arrested Development” as super awkward George Michael, so a movie where Cera plays a super awkward youth trying to get himself and his best friend laid before school is out sounds promising. Although this has certainly been done before (“American Pie” for example), from what I’ve seen and heard I have high hopes that “Superbad” will be supergood (italics to show how clever I am).
Penelope (August 17)
Greyhavens: A modern-ish fairy tale about an unfortunate princess born with a pig’s snout, the public’s horrified/fascinated relationship with her, and the one boy who doesn’t run away. Sounds like the makings of a hackneyed disaster, but if Christina Ricci has taught us one thing, it’s that she’s not stupid and this story probably won’t be either.
Wristcutters: A Love Story (August 31)
Greyhavens: With the most attention-getting title of the summer and a preview that says nothing and quite a bit at the same time, this one could turn out to be just about anything. Set in a strange sort of way station in the afterlife reserved for people who have committed suicide, it’s the story of a boy named Zia who tries to find a girl named Desiree and figure out what this non-life is all about. Widespread critical acclaim and an older Patrick Fugit, the star of “Almost Famous,” suggest this teen-romance-black-comedy-surreal-road-trip-movie will be worth a look.
The Nanny Diaries (September 7)
Boris: This movie was shitty when it was called “Uptown Girls.”
Trade (September 7)
Greyhavens: Somewhere between “Babel” and “Traffic,” the preview for this murky exploration of modern slavery and kidnapping cranks the wailing soundtrack up to 10 and threatens to overload on “Crash”-style syrup, but that’s not to say that the movie itself might not turn out to be really important and thrillingly-made to boot––––after all, it’s the first outing from director Roland Emmerich (“Independence Day,” “Godzilla,” “The Day After Tomorrow”) where he doesn’t blow up a city. Keep a watch out for critical reactions around late August.
Sunshine (September 14)
Boris: While the premise sounds a little thin (astronauts go to jumpstart THE SUN because it’s dying), Danny Boyle has shown himself to be a great director (“Trainspotting” and “28 Days Later” come to mind). The visuals in the trailer look spectacular and the thought of astronauts going slowly insane the closer they get to finishing their goal sounds intriguing.
National Treasure (December 21)
Boris: Okay, this movie isn’t actually coming out until December but I can barely contain my excitement. This time good ol’ Nic Cage (who hasn’t made a bad movie EVER) is searching for the missing pages of John Wilkes Booth’s diary to uncover the truth behind the Lincoln assassination. Turns out it was actually planned by Saddam Hussein. Who knew?
