The one aspect this country of America really holds above everything else is sports. That is why soccer is not one of the most watched sports in America and NASCAR has 75 million fans. Football has been America’s love since day one except for baseball. It is a different story. Baseball is America’s pride and glory.
It has been only three months since militant townies first started making an appearance in Beta’s sacred lands. However, since that time and because of some lightning-fast tactical raids, the townies have managed to gain control of the gravel pit, the rope swing and Kyle Seasly’s guitar. Now, I know what many of you reading at home must be thinking: “Beta is a barren, worthless wasteland. Why should we care?†I was of a similar opinion until I was informed that Beta is one of the leading exporters of PBR, American Spirits, cynicism and many other raw materials upon which Whitman society is built. I traveled to this war-torn region of Whitman Campus on a drunken bender last weekend to analyze the geopolitical landscape further.
“Experience Your America,†is the slogan of the National Park Service. When say that, they mean rolling hills, the purple hues of sunsets, pristine forests old growth trees and the crisp bite in the air that reminds you are glad to be alive. It seems like our America has become rolling hills of urban sprawl, the purple hue of your 2 dollar grape slurpee that should really only cost 25 cents, pristine forests of shelving at home depot, and that glad to be alive feeling you get the next morning after doing edward forty hands and passing out in the Beta bushes. While these things aren’t necessarily bad, National Parks are better.
Under cover of darkness, on the bottom floor of a dank and poorly lit parking structure, I met a man who referred to himself only as “Cleveland Steamer.†He was an old friend and sometimes source, who worked for the federal government and did not like to be called at his office. What he revealed to me blew me away.
If you have ever read a newspaper or magazine (I'm presuming you are literate), you have most likely seen some random writer's top music picks for (insert season or event name here). These articles share...
I once knew a boy named Tom. He was an interesting kid. I swear if I ever penetrated his mind it would be different than everyone else's. So I asked him, "Why do you do those things you do?"
His response...
The sun was high as the Varsity Whitman Privilege-Checking Team made their way out onto the field (the maintenance costs of which alone could have fed a Somalian family for months as privilege checking...
Illustration by Lya Hernandez.
Darkness washed down upon the London streets like rain –– it was also raining, too, if that was unclear. I mean it was London, it rains all the time there. No wonder...
