Dear Doctor,
My boyfriend and I have found that we share a penchant for BDSM. We’re worried that our friends won’t understand our passion, so I’m writing you for help: What is the best way to hide the marks of our violence? I’m especially worried that if I do a bad job people will think he’s beating me . . . uh, which I guess he is.
Anyway, help us, Doctor!
– Punch Drunk Love
Punch,
Once the post-coital glow has faded the first thing you should do is ice any emerging love lumps for 15 minutes or so; that will reduce swelling. To hide discoloration, use liquid or cream corrective concealer and a delicate touch. You should apply opposing hues to neutralize the color of the bruise: yellow and green on fresh blue and red bruises, light green for older brownish-yellow ones.
Apply the concealer from the center of the bruise outward, going a little past the edge. Let it dry; you may want to add a second layer if the first was too light. Otherwise, put a small amount of your usual base on next and smooth the area with a compact puff. For faded and superficial bruises (i.e. nibbles and pinches, as opposed to clothespins and bites), eye shadow and setting powder with a #1 brush can replace the concealer and base. The key in all this is a light touch: If you overdo the concealer or slop on base you might as well throw on a pair of big-ass sunglasses and start telling stories about doorknobs and stairs.
Dear Doctor,
I have a hot first date next weekend and I need your advice. It’s my first with somebody older than me and I really don’t want to blow it. Can you recommend a quality cooking sherry? It’s her favorite drink.
– Four-buck Chuck
Chuck,
Actually, anything labeled “cooking sherry” is likely to be a cheap, salty disappointment. And let’s be honest: you aren’t going to be cooking with the sherry at all. If I were in your position (again), I would head down to the 9th Street liquor store and pick up the Savery & James gift set: you get the bottle and two cups for $10. You may want to buy a second bottle. If you do, you’re going to be tempted to go for either the dry Spanish sherry or Harvey’s Bristol, because they’re expensive. Stop that! The Spanish is going to shock and frighten your young palate, and the Bristol, though arguably classy, is too classy for your purposes. If I know anything (and I like to think I do), I know that your lady isn’t looking for a cocksure alpha-male type; you don’t have to be sophisticated and worldly, just young and a little drunk. Go ahead and grab a bottle of Gallo, but don’t you dare touch the $4.49 one.
Kyil • Jul 15, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Hello, Did Punch Drunk Love leave an E-mail adress where they could contacted? if so would you please send it to me as my wife and I share the same interest and would like to meet other people in the area.