Doctor Danger,
As a privileged and educated Whitman student I think that it is my civic duty to try to make the world a better place; but I don’t know where to start. What can I do to change the world around me?
-Hopeful Catalyst
Hopeful,
Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time three boys from the same freshman section were eating in Reid when they decided they wanted to leave their mark on the place. So they took out all three sides of a triangle table-topper and did their very best to write such a message on the blank sides so that, when placed backwards in the plastic sleeve, they would create a small but significant monolith to social progress. Not five minutes after they left, a Reid employee came by with a damp cloth to clean up after the boys. She saw their manifesto and, without so much as batting an eyelash, removed the repurposed advertisements and dropped them in the garbage.
Doctor Danger,
What is the best way to hide my stash for traveling?
-Anoymous User
Anonymous,
Your best bet is probably to put everything in a ziplock baggie, squeeze all the air out, then put the baggie in a latex glove (or you know, anything else latex you might have around), squeeze all the air out of that, tie the open end in a knot, and shove it into a bottle of shampoo. I should warn you though that the prying eyes of the TSA know no bounds and, inept as they may sometimes seem, with stop at nothing to bust you for anything and everything they suspect you of. If you’re getting on an airplane, the only safe option is to snarf, rail, blow, slam, drop or otherwise ingest whatever it is that floats your drug-addled boat right before you get in the security line. Or better yet, consider not traveling with drugs on your person.
Doctor Danger,
So like, I was snacking on this totally rad brat’ (that’s short for ‘bratwurst,’ brah) the other day. Then all of a sudden it drips hells of grease onto this killer vintage T I just got to impress the babes. I know that if there’s one thing the babes hate it’s sloppy bros, so I would mad appreciate some cleaning advice.
-D.P.
D.P.,
By the time you read this it may be too late, but I’ve heard that pre-treating your little snafu with any dish soap that claims to be “tough on grease” will remove that damned spot from your threads.
A note from the Doctor:
Dear Whitties,
Only a scant few of you are writing me for advice. I would really hate to see you all waste this golden opportunity to learn true facts and get some real sagacity from a man who’s been around more blocks than most eloteros. Also, if I keep having to make questions up, I’m going to run out of material sooner or later and revert to poop jokes. I assure you I am qualified to address virtually any and all ordeals, pickles, situations, binds and questions. If there’s something I can do for you, address an e-mail to my correspondence liason, at [email protected].
-Doctor Danger