Whitman Wire

Uh-oh: Carry-on Crisis Cracks Criminal Crab’s Crisp ‘Calm’ Countenance

Winston Weigand, Future Survivor Contestant

February 15, 2018

On the morning of February 9, a large and very noisy disturbance was underway at the JFK airport in Queens, New York. Some witnesses reported hearing the commotion from hundreds of yards away, sitting in their cars in the arrivals lane and taking way too fucking long to get out and load their grandma’s...

NFL Player’s Neck Becomes Sentient and Escapes, Kills 73 Spectators

Annie Stefanides, Quiplash Master

February 15, 2018

Twas a dark and stormy Sunday evening in February, and all eyes were on the true super-heroes of America: the modern day football player. As the giant stallions galloped around the field, biceps bulging and neck veins popping, an evil force was brewing inside one of the players. All of a sudden, a loud...

Whitman Student Still Facing Backlash for Opening and Finishing an Entire Bag of Chips in the Quiet Room

Ashlyn Quintus, Good with Salads

February 8, 2018

After dinner on a seemingly regular Wednesday evening in Penrose Library, the normal hustle and bustle is accompanied with maximum side-chat and minimum work being completed in all realms of the campus’s favorite book castle, except for in the Penrose Quiet Room. How these studious specimens cong...

White Smoke Billows Out of the Climbing Gym; Crowds Eagerly Await Announcement of next Rock Pope

Anthony Reale, Mickey Shin's Cheez-It Fetish

February 8, 2018

The Whitman College climbing gym eagerly awaits the announcement of the Rock Pope after the characteristic white smoke and scent of armpits wafted out of the climbing gym Tuesday. This occurrence was met with a grand parade by the Sandalwearers, as the Climbing Clergy had been in deliberations for e...

Whitman unveils new Environmental Studies–Hypocrisy major to accommodate vegan, H&M-wearing students

Annelise Ellingboe, Hamburglar's Cousin

February 5, 2018

Thursday, 9 a.m.  PST Whitman College has officially unveiled its new major, Environmental Studies-Hypocrisy, in order to accommodate a growing population of ES students who wish to discuss environmental actions, but leave the solutions in the classroom. Sarah, a junior who has helped pioneer the ES-H m...

Hard-Boiled Scramble Divisions Fry Campus Tensions

Hard-Boiled Scramble Divisions Fry Campus Tensions

Clara Wheeler, Scramble Leader #20

August 25, 2017

As first-years flood onto campus to bless us with their presence, a clear segregation arises. Nobody likes to talk about it, few acknowledge it, but it returns, year after year. I speak, of course, about the Scrambler/Non-Scrambler divide. Scramblers saunter around campus in packs of social security, co...

Quacking the Case: President Irrevocably Tarnished Donald Duck’s Reputation

Winston Weigand, The One that Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

August 25, 2017

Donald Duck, the famous anthropomorphic waterfowl, was once one of the most popular cartoon characters in the world. Nowadays, however, Mr. Duck is struggling to make ends meet. As many know, his previously-immense fortune was a product of the hundreds of films and pieces of literature he has sta...

Whitman First-Years Shut Down School

Whitman First-Years Shut Down School

Anthony Reale, Garbage Collector of the Year, 2014

August 25, 2017

In a stunning turn of events, the Board of Trustees has voted for the immediate closing of Whitman College following a protest by incoming first-year students.  No one expected or was prepared for such a demonstration, as the school had just opened its pearly gates for opening week. A member of th...

Isaacs Construction Uncovers President Penrose’s Tomb

Arie Knops, Corndog Librarian

April 27, 2017

The Isaacs Avenue construction team made a shocking discovery early Monday morning as they uncovered stairs leading to President Penrose’s tomb. The excavation is ongoing, but the tomb appears to be modeled after King Tutankhamun’s in Egypt. Penrose often called himself “The King Tut of Whitman”...

ComRADe: the Passionate Communism Housed Within Campus Skateboarding Culture

Anthony Reale, The Guy Who Would End Up a Cook if He Were Drafted

April 27, 2017

On any average day on Whitman’s campus, you’re bound to find quite a few people skateboarding, blasting past pedestrians with an excited, ‘Shaaaaaaaaaaa brooooooo!’ As common as a sighting of any duck or can of PBR, skateboards quite literally litter the campus–campus garbage collectors’ p...

Divination Professor Already Aware of Students Cheating on Her Final

Winston Weigand, Tinder MVP

April 27, 2017

Whitman College has never offered a course on divination–the practice of fortune telling–until this year. In fact, no other schools of higher education have even considered it before. “It was a risky move, we know. But we’ve all seen the Harry Potter movies. Magic is goshdarn real. If I want...

Students’ Optimism Withers as Semester Reaches Close

Rebecca Gluck, Fruit Dehydrator

April 27, 2017

With only a few weeks left in the spring semester, and with finals quickly approaching, Whitman students are starting to feel the end-of-school-year stress. In addition to the lack of sleep and lack of money for alcohol, most students have expressed a sense of impending doom looming over them. For...

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