Maude Lustig, Eternal Being of Light
• November 25, 2018
Raking leaves: we all hate it. Yet this eons old chore has always offered a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel: Jumping in The Freaking Leaf Pile. The most fun-loving amongst us might even toss...
Trevor Mitchell is the CEO and founder of a cutting-edge bullying firm located in Seattle, Washington. The firm, named Wet Willie Solutions, uses top-of-the-line technology to track the latest trends in...
Maddie Ott, Uncle Alligator's Famous Jambalaya
• November 25, 2018
For students returning home this Thanksgiving break, they should be aware of a great threat that lies in the East. Lurking in the shadows of other great states such as New York and Virginia, Florida...
AE, Boiled Ham's Brother-in-Law
• November 25, 2018
This past Friday, Cheez-It announced they would be releasing a new product in December 2018. After discovering that white cheddar Cheez-It dust that had been chemically separated from the cheese cracker...
In a board meeting on Monday, the staff of Penrose Library — after hearing that the entire endowment had been spent on Cleveland Commons — realized that they would not have any money to keep the...
Maddie Ott, Ratatouille’s Brother-in-Law
• November 9, 2018
Starved after a strenuous practice of fitness and running, the Whitman soccer team rushes into the Cleveland Commons searching for a highly caloric and protein filled meal. Aghast at the price of one hamburger...
Washington, D.C. – On a rainy day in the nation’s capital, two aging senators nervously sip scotch in a chic bar, too disturbed to make eye contact with each other.
I sit across from Senators Schuck...
Local eligible voter Cynthia Resnin failed to fill out and mail her perfectly good absentee ballot in time for her home state to receive it within the election cutoff period, and is now doomed to suffer...
Anthony Reale, Dishwasher Enthusiast
• November 6, 2018
Students living in Prentiss Hall were shocked to see a form climbing up the Memorial clocktower on Sunday night. Assuming that it was some sort of ASWC Apology Tour stunt, most students shook their heads...
Hey y’all: just so you know, Halloween is officially cancelled this year. I might as well pull the fire alarm in TKE this weekend because if I can’t have fun, then no one can. This whole nightmare...
AE, Black Market Pumpkin Salesperson
• November 1, 2018
Xerxes Fullerton III presumed Halloween 2018 would be just like every other year. He was a man on his way: senior thesis nearly finished, a salaried job with a trusted bank all but secured, unparalleled...
“Can you summarize this article for all of us?” A chill runs down my spine at the very thought of those words. A sweat breaks out upon my brow. I look up for inspiration, down in desperation and left...
