Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair April 13, 2017

The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable...

Bob Dylan Reluctantly Accepts Nobel Prize

Anthony Reale, Not a Squirrel Piloting a Human Suit April 13, 2017

Bob Dylan reluctantly swung by the Nobel Prize Office during a tour stop in Stockholm, Switzerland to pick up his Nobel Prize in Literature over April Fool’s Day weekend. Although many think of Dylan...

In the News this Week

Anthony Reale, MySpace Guru April 6, 2017

Area man disappointed to find no whittling classes at Whitman College Feminism discovered to be cure for most serious diseases Campus celebrates as DVD screensaver hits exact corner of television screen Marrra...

Students unsure how to spell ‘privilege’

Rebecca Gluck, Met Husband on Tinder April 2, 2017

Last week’s annual intercollegiate spelling bee was historic in several ways. For one, all eight Ivy League schools were disqualified for alleged collusion, although they insisted it was a harmless business...

Paul Ryan’s search for love

Clara Wheeler, Pirate Administrative Professional April 2, 2017

Paul Ryan (B-KN) has always looked like he is trying to hold back tears of disappointment, but in recent weeks, his expression betrays the great heartbreak hiding behind a thin façade. “I really thought...

What Some Professors Do on 3-Day Weekends

Rebecca Gluck, Candle Designer March 2, 2017

The three-day break last weekend gave students and professors a chance to relax, work on schoolwork and experiment with potent forms of recreational drugs. Among the professors who chose the latter option,...

Je Suis Sweden

Anthony Reale, Amateur LARPer March 2, 2017

The guns firing. The cannons booming. The civilians screaming. These are just a few descriptions of the civil war that has broken out in Sweden, just as the President of the United States predicted last...

Illustration by Haley King

Trump’s Security Chief Pick is Exactly Who We Expected: A Literal Bowl of Soup

Winston Weigand, Liberal Snowflake March 2, 2017

In a sudden turn of events, the CEO of the United States, Donald Trump, has selected a new National Security Advisor. The previous NSA John F. Kelly was forcefully dismissed by Trump after his second cousin’s...

Illustration: Ruth Hwang

Diary of an RA

Elena Aragon March 1, 2012
9 a.m.: Wake up to put puke bucket outside the door, it's still dirty from the person who used it last night. 11 a.m.: Walk to the section lounge, proceed to do all the recycling 'cause it's filled to the brim in the closet 'cause no one ever does it. 3 p.m.: Break out Settlers of Catan in the section lounge, three to four people come to join
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