Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman Socialist Front Embezzles Club Funds

Ben Freedman, humor edi

February 11, 2016


Filed under Humor

After being ratified as a club by ASWC, the Whitman Socialist Front has begun to make a name for itself around campus, attracting droves of Whittie comrades looking to see who can “out-liberal” one other. When asked to comment on the success of the organization, club president Bryn Louise shrugged,...

Report: pluto “so done” with whole planet thing

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

January 28, 2016


Filed under Humor

Kuiper Belt, Solar System, Milky Way Pluto, the dwarf planet best known for its demotion from full planet ten years ago, released a statement on Thursday, saying it was, “So done with the whole planet thing.” The statement comes in the wake of last week’s announcement that astronomers have...

Surviving winter break: tips from a veteran

Austin Biehl, staff writer

January 28, 2016


Filed under Humor

Winter break can be a trying time. Yes, the comforts of home are seductive: consuming meals that aren’t mild laxatives, sleeping in a bed without listening to your roommate snore, and getting to torment your parents just a little are some of my personal favorites. But Winter Break is also four weeks...

Super PACs invade Greek life

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

January 28, 2016


Filed under Humor

The most recent Greek election cycle brought with it the addition of student-operated super political action committees (super PACs). You may have heard the term “super PAC” thrown around by the 2016 presidential candidates and that kid who read one New York Times op-ed and now won’t stop brin...

Browning Out: Summer job hunt

Callie Brown

April 16, 2015


Filed under Humor

Spring is rapidly approaching, and we all know what that means: Summer is just around the corner. And again, we all know what that means: You had better find yourself a job, you lazy asshole. Personally, I had the nice experience of applying for a whole multitude of jobs when I was home over spring break....

Jackpage: Note found!

Jack Swain

April 16, 2015


Filed under Humor

The other day, I found a crumpled letter in a wastepaper basket. What was I doing snooping through the garbage? An ordinary person might think it unusual to browse through trash cans, but I find it actually quite worthwhile. You really can get to know someone by searching through their trash. I'm seri...

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

Riley Foreman

April 2, 2015


Filed under Humor, Jack Issue

After many years of contemplation, Club Sports Director Skip Molitor and Athletics Director Dean Snider have decided to promote Ultimate Frisbee to a varsity sport, effective immediately.The two gentlemen expressed many reasons for the promotion, including pressure from the administration's higher-ups ...

“Are the trustees reptiles from space?” asks divestors

Kyle Seasly

February 26, 2015


Filed under Humor

It was a late night for the Whitman Divestment movement a few weeks ago. 8:47 p.m. Way past everyone's bedtime. They were used to divesting right after they showered in the morning (no conditioner allowed!) so their hair and their lifestyle would be oil-free. Their previous strategies of putting on...

How to initiate: Backpage edition

Callie Brown

February 5, 2015


Filed under Humor

It's the dawn of a new age: Second semester has officially begun. It's been two weeks, so obviously it makes sense that everyone is completely exhausted already. The countdown to spring break has already begun, and sickness is sweeping over this campus like a new form of the plague. The days of break...

Twenty love poems and a song of poopy despair

Reed Hendrickson

February 5, 2015


Filed under Humor

Haikus: No Fun, Period! PMS Fuck You No one likes you, go away You are an asshole Thinking Spot I like to go poo I sit on a small toilet I think about you My Special Place Chacos are my life Please do outdoor things with me I go to Whitman Jerks Stop doing that shit You...

WWPD shuts down rager

Kyle Seasly

February 5, 2015


Filed under Humor

A typical Whitman weekend night consists of the following: hitting up the Taqueria with pals, deciding whether or not to go out for 40 minutes, getting ready and drinking cement mixers, staying out from 10 to midnight and then going to bed immediately. The Whitman population spends half of the next day...

Leaves of gas by Rendrick Heeson

Reed Hendrickson

January 29, 2015


Filed under Humor

Life Moments Running through the forest A little birdy I saw Sitting on top of a florist Just waiting to be called   Deep in the meadow A brown bee fought Until one night Where a spider made his kill   When looking down from the bridge I could see the ne...

Whitman news since 1896
Humor