Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

It is April Now

Jack Swain, staff writer

April 7, 2016


Filed under Humor

Your house being air conditioned in a hot summer. Overcast cloudy days that won’t stop raining. Underneath a pile of things on your desk, you find that thing you were searching for. Dogs that let you scratch their bellies. Oregon’s speed limits are too slow. Noodles cooked just right. The w...

Survey Shows Survey Matters

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

April 7, 2016


Filed under Humor

If you identify as a Whitman student with a pulse, chances are you’ve received a few emails with links to surveys about the various nuances of the privileged existence that society has so carefully crafted for you. Just recently, surveys released have included the Campus Climate survey that apparently ...

Mathleen Kurray Victorious in the Octagon

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

April 7, 2016


Filed under Humor

Though many have questioned the somewhat unorthodox fundraising method, Mathleen Kurray donned her finest spandex and traditional mask last Saturday to participate in what has been called one of the bloodiest smackdowns in WWE history. After executing several gut-wrenchingly brutal elbow drops on a...

Club Disbands After Members Exhaust Dating Options

Martina Pansze

April 1, 2016


Filed under Humor, Jack Issue

Following a press release on Tuesday, the Whitman Alpine Luge Team (WALT) will be disbanding indefinitely.

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Alumni and Administration Enraged About the Name Change of…What’s that Paper Called Again?

Austin Biehl, staff writer

March 10, 2016


Filed under Humor

In an unexpected turn of events, it seems that people have actually read an article published in the Pioneer. Vitriolic anger exploded last week when the Pio announced its radical decision to change its name from a symbol of racist colonialism to something more culturally appropriate. “God dammit,” sw...

New Study Suggests Positive Relationship Between Tenure and Apathy

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

March 10, 2016


Filed under Humor

While it has yet to be peer-reviewed, a groundbreaking new study from Georgetown University researchers points to a strong negative correlation between achieving tenure and caring about things. I reached out to Professor Gregory T. Phillips, lead researcher of the now famous tenure apathy study and...

Historic Rap Musical Hits Broadway

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

March 10, 2016


Filed under Humor

Pope Leo X: I’m a patron of the arts and the head of the church, My power is supreme, but one man tries to besmirch My reputation with his declarations, his agitation of the rabble Is sure to cause a crisis greater than the Tower of Babel.   Martin Luther: The corruption of the churc...

Breaking News: Mitochondria NOT the Powerhouse of the Cell

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

March 3, 2016


Filed under Humor

According to a groundbreaking study published Wednesday in Science Magazine, mitochondria are not, as previously thought, the powerhouses of the cell. The discovery was made by researchers within the Department of Biology at Harvard University. Professor Scien Tist, head of a team studying stem cell tran...

Sororities Settle With Quasi-Autonomy For Foreseeable Future

Megumi Rierson, staff writer

March 3, 2016


Filed under Humor

As we all know, Whitman has a longstanding tradition of reminding women that they are the inferior sex. Earlier in Whitman history, this tradition took the form of forcing women to live on campus all four years and registering male guests in Memorial Hall. Chastity belts were also provided in the health...

Ankeny Excavation Reveals Lives of Nineteenth Century Students

Clara Wheeler, staff writer

February 25, 2016


Filed under Humor

A recent excavation done by the Whitman archival team at a dig site in an undisclosed and inaccessible corner of Ankeny revealed pages from the ancient college newspaper Unnamed, founded by the community organizer Marcus Whitman himself. These documents were surrounded by curses and booby traps to diss...

Mascot Changed to the Fightin’ Ivory Towers

Mascot Changed to the Fightin’ Ivory Towers

Trevor Lewis, staff writer

February 18, 2016


Filed under Humor

Illustration by Claire Revere.  Market analysts were able to confirm today that this has indeed been the most precipitous decline in white guilt on campus since George Bridges claimed to “have one black friend.” Whitman’s new mascot, The Fightin’ Ivory Towers, is rapidly gaining popularity with ...

This Week In Politics

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer

February 18, 2016


Filed under Humor

--Nation surprised when reminded that Supreme Court is still a thing --Ted Cruz announces plans to nominate himself to Supreme Court if elected --Anonymous source: Jeb Bush apparently still running for president   --Sanders campaign targets key arsonist demographic with new “Feel the Bern” ...

Whitman news since 1896
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