Whitman Wire

Seniors, did you know you need to apply to graduate? And 5 other things to get done before May

Lee Thomas, Has anyone seen my sanity anywhere recently? September 22, 2022

Submitting for honors by October, grad materials by November, scheduling senior check-ins … what more could we possibly need to do to get out of this joint? Well, don't hold your breath, because I've...

Illustration by Megan Suka.

There’s something in the way she moves: Sarah Bolton’s Beatles Insta post summons George Harrison’s ghost

Carmel Stephan, The real life taxman (watch out) September 22, 2022

For those of you who may not be privy, last Friday, the Whitman College Instagram posted a Beatlesque “Happy Friday” post of new President (and secret fifth Beatle?) Sarah Bolton. As it turns out,...

Illustration by Keeli McKern.

King Charles’ reign contested by kid pulling sword from stone

Conor Bartol, Author of "Robin Hood vs. Godzilla" (not yet published) September 22, 2022

Newly elected crowned monarch King Charles had the chance to reign for a good ten, maybe twenty years if he was lucky. But it seems that chance may be gone forever, after a young boy in England pulled...

Whitman students collectively waiting for someone to fuck it up

Ian Lewis, generally nervous September 22, 2022

As the 2022 school year has gotten off to a hot start, Whitman students have been suddenly possessed with the absolute certainty that someone, somehow, is going to fuck it up.  Despite eventual failure,...

Is your off-campus house too eclectic? More likely than you think 

Grace Canny, interior designer extraordinaire September 15, 2022

I’m sure you've been to one of these abodes — quirkily named, maybe a little run down, but not without charm! The kitchen might be small, and maybe the house is lacking AC, but the third bedroom supposedly...

Ghostbusted! Paranormal sightings actually just Classics professor

Ghostbusted! Paranormal sightings actually just Classics professor

Ian Lewis, President and Founder of the Whitman Wire September 15, 2022

In a blow to amateur ghostbusters across campus, the so-called “Olin Specter” has been discovered to merely be Herbert Greene, an associate professor and longtime member of Whitman’s Classics...

Which Admin building are you? Take this quiz to find out!

Carmel Stephan, Yes it’s me, Playbuzz Editor in Chief  September 15, 2022

Are you tech-oriented, or better with an axe and saw? Is your room the hub of all social activities, or used only for homework and sleeping? Are you pretty, or are you confusing to look at?  Believe...

Mourning an icon – Walla Walla weeps for Alder Street Goodwill

Lee Thomas, Fart Simulator global 100% speed-run champion September 15, 2022

217 East Alder Street sits vacant as the fall semester starts – an empty shell of the divine sanctuary it once was. The downtown Goodwill was a source of fire fits, themed party get-ups and the ever...

Illustration by Paloma Link.

Too old to goof around, too young to be square: walking the tightrope of silliness

Conor Bartol, on “real thin ice, buddy” May 12, 2022

I see people in the street and they say to me, “Conor! It must be nice, living life as a devil-may-care humor writer for the illustrious publication The Whitman Wire! Surely your profession must...

BPK’s Guide to Surviving Being a Third Wheel

Ben Kearney, Been Third Wheeling since I was Two Years Old May 12, 2022

Alright all you lonely hearts club members, the time has come to put you in the spotlight. No, it’s not a ticket onto Love Island, wouldn’t we all love that. But as someone that has been stuck between...

Illustration by Anna Stone.

On the Ethics of Stealing from Parties

Beth Kutina, Self-diagnosed with sticky fingers syndrome May 12, 2022

Ladies, we’ve all been there. A house party. The sweaty bodies bumping into you as you try to dance to the third Grateful Dead song of the night. Your stomach gurgles, the Cleveland Commons veggie...

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Kathy Murray destitute as Sarah Bolton moves in early

Grace Canny, North Hall Morgue Cadaver May 5, 2022

Well folks, it finally happened, Kathy’s reign has come to an end. Sarah Bolton blew into town with the fervor of a Walla Walla tumbleweed on a windy day and quickly instituted some regime changes....

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