by Alex Henke
COLUMNIST
This college depresses me. The intellectual, holier-than-thou, I’m-better-than-you-because-I-res ide on campus represents the kind of attitude a simple man like myself cannot stand. The real Whitties: the ones that prefer beer drinking to book learning: are oppressed by the tunnels of oppression. We’re symposium…ed… by not attending race symposiums. We’re so trampled upon that I retract my first statement: this college, in fact, angers me. It angers me quite a bit. So fuck you, Professor Fancy Pants, Head of the Weenienomics Department. You can spin your heresy somewhere else, because the silent majority is about to storm their leadership like the Democratically gerrymandered Californian central valley should.
Oh, I know what you’re going to say, Dr. My-Ph.D.-makes-me-more-of-an-authority on-my-subject-than-a-layman. You’re going to say that we’re not actually a silent majority, and that unless we use the drunken townies who drive around in their trucks and yell out obscenities at Whitties as armored attack vehicles, we could never take and hold Mem. I say to you that most Whitties don’t care enoughabout your ‘important issues’ to loyally serve the sissy side of compassion, and you know our power because you’re already planning against our more obvious attacks!
Of course, now you’ll say something about straw men, but of COURSE they’re flammable. You’re dumb for saying they’re not.
We’re going back to the times when dissent from the majority meant a brick in your window, just like the head of the Young Republicans figured out. I mean, I hate Republicans as much as the next guy. I hate them so much that I support the poaching of elephants just to remove the Republican symbol from existence. But I’m still a simple man, which entitles me to make simple comments with simple evidence. So you, Mr. I-eat-babies-and-get-away-with-it-because-I’m-from-Whitman, are in trouble. I can make whatever argument I want, and ignore whatever rebuttal I want, because anti-intellectualism is at a high point here.
It’s over. Just give up. We aren’t even reading Kant right now. Kant’s old news. Even though he’s a good ol’ European, he’s one of those intellectual types. Besides, we can just rely on the remaining nerds to carry the discussion for us. It’s not like everyone will apply our maxim or anything. Look, we don’t even have to take over the administration. We’ll settle for Maxey, Lyman and the office of admissions. All right? All right.
Also, I’d really appreciate it if you reconsidered my application.
Hugs and Kisses,
Steve Jobs, Reed Graduate
