Back in my day (circa 2017), we didn’t talk about playing “Dungeons and Dragons.” It was a secret society, only whispered about in the darkest crevices of the internet. If you could get your hands on even one 20-sided die, you’d count yourself lucky. But now, as we navigate our way through the turbulent ‘20s, it seems like D&D is everywhere in pop culture. Rather than being elated that my nerdy hobby of eight-ish years is finally in the limelight, I’m begging it to F*CK OFF!

This plea doesn’t come from some sort of “I liked it before it was cool mlehmlehmleh” mentality. I think the more people that play, the more I get to play. No, my gripe is fairly standard for my generation. Capitalism is ensh*tifying and overpricing a game based on using our f*cking imaginations! 

To review, DND is a game where you play in a fantasy world, interacting/fighting with fantasy creatures. It’s simple, until you remember that in order to play in said fantasy world, you must buy a very real, very pricey book. In this book, you will fight a mythical creature. To see the statblock for this creature, you must buy another $60 book … and so on. Moreover, Wizards of the Coast, the parent company, decided to rebrand DND, so all the books you bought are actually worthless if you want to play the real version of DND. But hey, they can do whatever they want! Hollywood made a blockbuster movie about it, several YouTubers made millions by playing it… hell, even my grandpa knows DND is hip with the youngins! Wizards of the Coast has been churning out expensive SLOP and milking our bank accounts dry. 

Listen to me, we have to revert to 1980s stereotypes about DND players. We’re bored, horny losers who shout “FIREBALL LEVEL 7” at inappropriate times and haven’t left our basements in decades. Only we can save this game … by making it so unsellable that Wizards of the Coast takes 3d8 psychic damage and fails all of its death saves.