In 1971, Stanford University, as we all know, performed a psychological experiment in which 24 mentally stable young men were randomly assigned “prisoner” or “guard.” Taking place in the basement of the psychology building, guards were encouraged to berate and scare the prisoners. However, it was cancelled six days in, instead of the intended two weeks.
Upon hearing of this failure, Whitman Officials decided they could do it better with one simple change; instead of young stable men, they would perform the test on about 90 mentally dubious queer kids.
On Saturday, October 18, the residents of Lyman woke up and were directed to the Big Blue Lounge (BBL) to receive their assignments before being sent about their day.
Almost immediately, yells erupted from the kitchen. The RAs ran to the scene, expecting a prisoner revolt, only to be surprised by a group of five guards.
When our reporters asked for a comment, one passionate student exploded in frustration.
“The government’s corrupt, the whole thing is a scam!” the student said. “We refuse to take part in the oppressive system of mass incarceration!”
A flaw in the design of the experiment was immediately made clear – students in the “gay” dorm of a liberal arts college are way too woke to psychologically torment classmates.
Outside the RD apartment, I sat down with a prisoner to get his take on the simulation.
“It’s awful, man, I haven’t showered in three weeks!” he said.
This was odd because the experiment had only began 20 minutes prior. But overall, the prisoner was “disappointed it was academic and not s*xual”. However, he thought, ethically, “it was probably fine.”
By the time the interview concluded, both the prisoners and guards had crafted Molotov Cocktails and illegal fireworks. However, a line was crossed when someone made a shank with a blade over three inches. Juli Dunn quickly called an end to the shenanigans, worried about donor support. In total, the Lyman Prison Experiment lasted a shocking 33 minutes and 24 seconds, but it took several years off of all our lives.
