That’s right, I’m a registered Republican and proud! Well, maybe not proud, but give me 350 words to explain! Maybe you haven’t heard – of course you’ve heard – but South Dakota is my home state. And in this state that I have oh-so-many feelings about, the last time a Democrat held office was 1974. My parents weren’t even born then, and they’re super OLD! Most of the time, Democrats don’t even run, and why would they? 

If I were registered as a Democrat/Independent, I wouldn’t be able to vote until the election primaries; by then, the choice is between two greater evils and some f*cking guy. By registering as a Republican, I get a say in my representatives, even if I’m usually not thrilled with them. It also allows me to get emails from the aforementioned f*cking guy (hello Representative Dusty Johnson!) when he’s being obnoxious in Congress. I’m staking him out!

But I’ve lied to you all about the purpose of this article. People I know and love are earnestly red because they don’t have a choice. The Democratic Party has never made an effort in our state because we don’t matter. And because there is nobody willing to fight for us, there will be no economic reforms, no medical aid and no social welfare for South Dakota. Our politicians have delivered empty promise after empty promise whilst quietly dismantling the quality of life of our state. But for many voters, empty promises are preferable to the DNC’s indifferent silence. 

There’s a perception of rural America as dumb and backwards, which I’ve helped perpetuate for laughs… and will probably continue to do so. But the bias that Republicans are inherently cruel has been exacerbated by a vocal minority. Rural America has… not been doing so great. But how can anyone expect us to when we’ve never gotten the chance? 

I understand this article is more serious, so I will throw in a joke to qualify me for the Humor section. Want to hear a joke about trickle-down economics? No? That’s okay, you won’t get 99% of it anyway. Ciao!