Over thousands of years of human history, our species has faced many tribulations. From wars to plagues to disappointing endings to our favorite shows, Homo sapiens have really been through it! But these issues are too hard for our barely competent politicians. So they made one up instead. After deliberating for a record-breaking five minutes, the “top dog” in D.C. came to the conclusion that Tylenol causes autism. In light of this development that Tylenol is “not good,” I’ve compiled a list of alternatives that are approved by one out of one presidents.
- Hit yourself harder somewhere else
Scientifically, pain only hurts because you’re thinking about it. Therefore, don’t think about it. For example, if you have a headache, you may be focused on the ache in your head. However, if you hit your arm really hard against the table, you would then be more upset by the pain in your arm and no longer have a headache.
- Toxic Masculinity
You can’t feel the pain you don’t acknowledge! Crank up some Joe Rogan and enjoy a hurt-free life.
- Rub some dirt on it
Also known as “fake it ‘til you make it” or “suck it up, Buttercup”, this method involves fully acknowledging the pain and choosing to just suffer until it goes away… or you die.
- Double doses of Tylenol
If one dose of Tylenol causes autism, then two doses would cause double autism. But then, the second dose cancels out the autism of the first dose. It’s basic math.
- “I’ll give you something to cry about”
This centuries-old method involves the repetition of one simple mantra whenever you feel hurt or upset. The saying goes, “Quit your crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about.” It is vegan, holistic and organic. For best results, hire an older man to scream it at you. With the -3,000 jobs created, it should be easy to find someone.
There are a plethora of others, such as dissociation and a Jet2holiday, but these are what we found to be the most effective replacements.
