With the majority of Whitman’s population beginning the vaccination process, students have been celebrating their bodies and antibodies. Some are aiming to make up for the quantity of coitus COVID isolation denied them by killing two birds with one bone. Here are the best apps for this noble pursuit.
Though the app is so obsolete that its group message feature is used by Whitman’s cribbage club, the Penrose Peggers, to plan their weekly meetings in the Library, it remains relevant to those looking for “an orgy’s gateway drug.” As the most common playground for misinformed sexual fantasies, this app will ensure a limitless stream of unfortunate DM’s from lustful lads to any bisexual woman with so much as a vaguely feminine elbow in a photo.
The zeitgeist for non-binary ménage à trois and the best app to find partners for the all-male threesome, “Poseidon’s trident,” and the all-female threesome, “Mariana’s trenches.” In addition to attracting politically and promsicuably liberal partners, the app is the place to find an in-depth review of the best salon for a Brazilian wax. However one must prepare for an inundation of dick pics if they so much as search for the app in the Google Play store.
There’s a well-known divide between the displaced urbanites of Whitman and the deeply agrarian locals. What better way to bridge this gap than in the bedroom? Junior Levi “Lucky” Wrangler, hails from Manhattan and was incredibly successful with his self-described, “forays into the fields.” He described his experience with a local straight couple: “From the denim sheets to the pre-festivities prayer, Colter and Beth made me feel right at home.” Though they engaged in a so-called “devils threesome,” Wrangler said the couple preferred the term, “sanctified soirée.”
Exclusively used for threesomes, this app has two current members within a 5-mile radius of Whitman College. Download it right now and make their Thursday night something truly special.