Closeted polygamist opens up about struggles with isolation

Sam Huston, Mitt Romney’s son

In his first tell-all interview, Whitman sophomore, polygamist and husband to two, Ammon Hinckley opened up about the struggles he’s faced this past year. Ammon was raised by a father of 30 and mother of six. While he has encountered negative perceptions about polygamy on campus, he stands by his faith, saying, “I can’t imagine a future without a healthy variety of God-approved coochie and a constant cacophony of blond-haired toddlers.”

Ammon claims that the school has not accepted his marital perspectives. In adherence with COVID-safety protocols, Associate Dean of Students Juli Dunn does not allow both wives — neither of whom attend Whitman — to visit Ammon’s dorm room. Gritting his perfect teeth, Ammon said, “That got-down-sat-on-a-bench* will bend over backwards to include the squirrels’ perspectives on ASWC’s budget but has no tolerance for my religious and reproductive needs.”

Ammon struggled to “come out” as a polygamist to his roommate Polly Morrison. Striking similarities between wives Josie and Jolie Hinckley, who are both blonde and six months pregnant, led Morrison to believe that they were the same woman. This mirage evaporated when Ammon began talking sweet on a brunette who was clearly not “with child.” Morrison confronted his apparently two-timing roommate, and was shocked to find that he was actually aiming for a holy trinity of sorts. Ammon attested that their friendship deteriorated after that conversation, although he blames it on Morrison’s “inability to get over the fact that I have three bad mamajamas on my arm when all he’s got is his right arm and lotion.” 

The lack of acceptance has forced Ammon to pretend that he’s dropped his Mormon faith. He now covers his visits to “the wives” by telling friends that he’s going out “to get cigarettes, coffee, alcoholic beverages and other heathen products.”

*Mormon swear