Bon Appetit van stuck in Mill Creek, Cleveland supply chain crumbles

Sam Huston, truly loves saltines

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

This past Wednesday, a Bon Appetit delivery van got stuck in Mill Creek, and the extraction efforts have blocked all supply pathways into Cleveland Commons. A 15-ton crane has been stationed directly in front of the dining hall’s loading dock on Otis Street to extract the waterlogged vehicle. The Mill Creek diversion canal, affectionately referred to as “the Suez Canal of the Columbia Plateau,” has experienced blockages from couches, lost unicycles and a thirsty pig, but never of such magnitude as the Bon App van. The van is lodged diagonally across the waterway, and the creek’s flow has encased the lower half of the van in discarded Loko cans, condoms and a dead cat. 

The extraction efforts have caused the dining hall staff to cook meals primarily using bulk foods and condiments. The rationed menu is being branded “Minimalist Midwestern cuisine,” and that “your palette’s liberal tendencies will be assuaged by these mayonnaise-forward dishes.” The most popular meal is “the Mike Pence” — a mayonnaise and white bread sandwich, scalding yet freezer-burned hot pockets and “fondue soup,” which consists of melted Kraft cheese served with a side of Ruffles. All meals are served with a complimentary corn syrup dipping sauce. 

This drastic change in gastrointestinal opportunity has impacted students’ social lives, as many disgruntled underclassmen have taken to subsisting on snacks in their dorms. “Cleveland was the one spot I could watch students without masks,” whined sophomore Sally Betts. “Before folks pulled down their masks to chow, we’d bet on what facial hair configurations, moles and nose hair lengths they had.” 

The van, affectionately referred to as “Whitman’s kidney stone,” reportedly got stuck when the driver crashed while head-banging and sobbing to Olivia Rodrigo’s mega-hit “drivers license.” The administration does not plan to pursue malpractice charges against the catering group because, as Whitman administrator Tim Angst put it, “we can’t choose when teenage heartbreak resurfaces — that’s in the hands of the DJ.”