Senate Republicans decline to raise minimum wage, offer iTunes gift cards instead

Sam Huston, soundcloud rapper

With the federal minimum wage’s growth flatter than Nebraska and CEO salaries rising like the Himalayas, the time seemed ripe for a minimum wage increase. Senate Republicans, or at least a portion of them, seemed to think the time was actually ripe for airpods. The 15 dollar minimum wage was originally included in President Joe Biden’s 1.9 trillion dollar stimulus plan, which also included payments to parents with children, money for local governments and a CD containing “Barack Obama’s 2020 Summer Playlist” for each American. In response to the wage increase, Senate Minority Leader Mitchell McConnell (KY, R) proposed a monthly stimulus of 15 dollar iTunes gift cards.

 McConnell, who reportedly bought his great-grandkids Microsoft zune’s for Christmas this year, said that “most American’s just aren’t ready for the responsibility of living above the poverty line. Gift cards are the easy-bake oven of wages.” McConnell’s proposal has widespread support amongst Senate Republicans, many of whom are realizing the joys of an iPod shuffle for the very first time.

The gift card measure has some support from Senate Democrats as well. West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin (D), a recent convert to an iPod touch from his trusty Sony Walkman, suggested that iTunes gift cards would help fight, what he describes as, “the socialism of Spotify.” Sen. Machin went further in an interview, saying, “Spotify is the universal healthcare of music! It’s a Maoist music platform! Kids are listening to Bolshevik bops!”

Democratic Socialist leaders Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (NY, D) and Sen. Bernie Sanders (VT, I) commented in a joint interview. Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, communicating via Twitch, said that she “supported the wage increase as well as the nationalization of music streaming platforms.” Mr. Sanders, calling from his landline, agreed and went further. “Supporting musicians doesn’t occur through streaming services! We need marimbas, didgeridoos and banjos in every kindergarten class!”

President Joe Biden remained silent on the subject, though his morning alarm is reportedly Dolly Parton’s mega-hit and working-class anthem, “9 to 5.”