Most Marxist footwear: Chacos, Birks or Blunds?

Sam Huston, Barefoot Enthusiast

It is said that the feet of the haute bourgeoisie are the quickest to walk towards revolution. But what exactly adorns these feet when they tramp around Whitman campus? This question lies in the heart of Senior Bootsy Sneakerov’s politics thesis. Here are the most common Marxist shoes according to Sneakerov.

Senior Stefon Smeliê owns one pair of shoes, Chacos, along with seventeen pairs of wool socks. In an interview, Smeliê vehemently defended their choice, saying, “Chox and Sox keep me warm, has unparalleled breathability, and gives me tactile prowess on slick surfaces!” When asked about the sandal’s penchant for stinkiness, Smeliê replied, “The only stink I smell is coming from the bullshit spewed by Wall Street.”

On the other end of the sandal spectrum lies the Birkenstock, a sandal that looks like it was invented just in time for the Old Testament. While the German bovine population is certain of their contribution to your comfortable toes, some students have their own ideas about the sandals’ material. “I feel so close to the earth when I wear them,” gushed sophomore and life-long vegan Linus Phalanges. “It must be cause they’re made of dried mud.” When asked if he knew what “leather” was he responded, “Is that ‘adobe’ in English?”

Illustration by Kiara Paninos.

Lastly, we have a shoe for the revolutionaries who are prepared to enter the proletariat at a moment’s notice. They just have to be allowed in. Blundstone wearer Jimmy Murphy (given name Stephan James Moncrief IV) longs for that day. He said, “I’ve applied to work at the papermill, Tyson plant and even the prison, but my goldarned name is tanking me.” In a recent attempt at assimilation (in his own words “solidarity”), Murphy has begun listening to country music, but can’t get past the way it blinds the masses. “I mean songs about farmers’ daughters and blue jean cutoffs blatantly hyper-sexualize peasantry. It’s proletarian porn!”

Sneakerov’s findings seem to suggest that the revolutionary significance of footwear seems to have its epistemological source in a mistranslated Marx quote: “The revolutionary spirit comes from the sole.”