Mark your calendars, folks, it’s that time of the year again! The scent of blood is in the air, weird animal Halloween masks are on sale, and Home Alone style security measures come back into popularity. That’s right, it’s Purge season!
For those of you unaware of this new policy, all crime (including, as the government is fond of reminding us, murder) is legal for 12 whole hours. While this does cathartic wonders for the closet serial killers among us, which apparently make up 98% of the population, the rest of us normal folk have found a way to make a killing during the Purge (no pun intended).
One anonymous source’s plan for the Purge is to perform some serious insider trading during those sweet twelve hours. “Nobody’s going to be at the stock exchange, it’ll be great!” He said, rubbing his hands together. “I’m also going to file my taxes that night and lie about my income!” What other secret criminals lay amongst us, waiting for their chance to make a move?
One chill dude in California is going to illegally download all twenty seasons of Law and Order during the Purge so he can finally find out if Lieutenant Benson will end up with that smoking district attorney or not.
A mother of three in New York is planning on health care fraud on the night of the Purge. “How’s this,” she asked us during our interview, and she coughed pitifully. “I’m sorry, I’m going to need paid leave – I broke my leg.” Though the fraud will extend until she stops pretending to need health care, since it started on the Purge, it’s still technically okay…? I guess? At press time, one of her children was planning to shank a kid from school to find out if murder would be a fun new hobby to take up.