Where are they now?

Anthony Reale, Sexy Memorial Hall Impersonator

It’s been awhile since we’ve discussed a few hot-button issues that plague our society, both Whittie and abroad. From Narcissa’s portrait imposter to gun control, this article takes a look at the three issues that scientists have determined to be the only things we should care about.

Narcissa’s Portrait

I don’t know who the fuck they put in that frame, but that’s not the Narcissa that I knew. Before her spa day, she would look at me with her cold eyes, judging me as inept before I could even explain myself to her. It was almost as if she was saying, ‘You male piece of trash, get out of my building!’  Now, after her face peel, she has a much kinder face. Her eyes say, ‘Sure, I colonized this region with my husband and forced my religion upon the First People, but, hey, we’re all human, right?’ I want the cruel Narcissa back! I want to feel ashamed again.

History Major at Whitman

I’ve never understood why we have a history major at Whitman, to be candid. What are we going to learn from our past? There’s nothing there but losers who don’t even have Instagram? I’m fully behind the decisions to not hire professors to fill the positions vacated by some history professors. American history is the most boring, so I’m glad that Whitman is going to be a place where we can ignore it. Taking a leaf out of Texas’s book and stifling history is the best decision our administration has ever made!

Guns in America

We need to give guns a break. I personally love my gun. I shoot at courthouses every Sunday just to let The Man know that he should watch out for citizen militias. And all those poor hunters would look so sad if they couldn’t go hunting with their AR-15s! I mean, why would we even try to come to the conclusion that semiautomatic and automatic weapons shouldn’t be so easily found in our country when we can ensure that every person in this country has the ability to shoot at the government? When I hunt, I prefer to be able to shoot 300 bullets in 60 seconds in order to ensure that the animal is murdered as painfully as possible and mangled beyond recognition.