Tony Talks: Have a Nice Trip, See You Next Autumn

Anthony Reale, Grand Chairman of All Scorpios

Okay, I’ve probably snorted enough pumpkin spice powder to write this.

Fall is the best season.  Don’t @ me, America.

However, autumn tends to be the ‘ugly stepsister’ of the seasons due to her inability to prevent her nasty stereotypes from coming to light. Truly, these basic bitches get wild during pre-winter; let’s take a little look at the most annoying things about autumn:

1. Birkenstocks with socks.

2. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. (Even if you like them, you know they’re the worst. I drink them and I know this is true.)

3. Christmas decorations and music are somehow already popping up?  Fuck OFF, there’s still a whole month for THANKSGIVING, SAFEWAY.

4. Where is a safe place for your jacket at a party?  It’s too hot to wear indoors and too cold to not have!

5. Why aren’t buildings the same temperature as the outside? I’m not looking to get cooked every time I walk indoors with a jacket on.

6. Waiting until you are on the brink of hypothermia before turning on the heat in your off-campus house–not a great practice, but economical.

7. The Waffle Truck shuts down and this is a crime against humanity.

8. Food truck night is over. That’s bullshit.

9. Dressing up for Halloween is the biggest pain in the ass. (Side note: If I ever see a sexy minion costume on this campus, I will flee naked into the hills.)

All this being said, autumn is wonderful in its own ways. It’s great to get warm cider and see the beautiful colors of all the trees, but I’m tired of people ruining this great season. Idiots, if you’re reading this, stop.

Another thought: I know our president is going to cause a nuclear winter, but do you think the nuclear autumn is going to be nice?