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New Zealand Quietly Secedes

Rebecca Gluck, Budding Alfalfa

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Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Several months ago, the people of New Zealand made a historical decision. Instead of voting for a new representative to send to the United Nations, the country decided to secede not only from the water surrounding it, but also from the world. As of now, no one knows for sure where the island is. The only trace it left behind was a cricket ball and a pamphlet asking Queen Elizabeth II to leave the country alone.

It would be inaccurate to say the news came as a surprise because New Zealand has never really been in the news. In fact, most countries had never even heard of New Zealand. Even Australia, the country’s closest neighbor, failed to acknowledge the absence of the southeastern island. Investigators believe this is why it was so easy for the country to vanish without anyone noticing.

Recently, several relatives of New Zealand residents have come forward, stating that they have been receiving radio signals related to the disappearance.

“My cousin sent me a message through a cumulonimbus cloud a few months after New Zealand left Earth,” a relative explained. “He said that he and his fellow Kiwis wanted greater recognition among nations with strange English accents. They were also upset that, in general, most people chose to travel to Australia instead of New Zealand for vacation because it’s more ‘well-known.’”

Representatives of the UN hope the world will learn a valuable lesson from the loss of New Zealand.

“We can’t ignore any countries, no matter how obscure they are,” Scottie Ireland, the representative for Wales asserted. “This means we have to start paying attention to countries like Transnistria, Kiribati and Tuvalu. In this day and age, we must show the world that every nation matters, every voice matters and every fake accent matters.”

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Whitman news since 1896
New Zealand Quietly Secedes