Divestment movement expands fight against all forms of fossils

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer

The Whitman Divestment movement needs to take things to the next level, according to club leader Gresham Merkel. The realization came about as the group was sitting around the GAC, eating leftover donuts and one-upping each other on how long they can go without showering. “We suddenly came to the realization we need to disassociate ourselves not only from fossil fuels, but from other fossils as well,” Merkel said.

The motion to get rid of Whitman’s fossils was met with frowny faces and worse from the Geology department. At press time, student Brock “Geo Dude” Onyx has holed himself up in a classroom in the science building, locking himself in with all of the department’s fossils and several boxes of Clif bars. “I’m not coming out until the past’s future is secure!” he shouted under the door.

Another one of the fossils that Divest wants to get rid of is the tenured Professor Daniel Lofa. “He’s just sooooo old,” one of the members of Divest Whitman explained. “Whitman really shouldn’t be financially invested in someone who’s going to tank in a couple of years.” When asked about the criticism, Professor Lofa shouted, “What? What you say?” while cupping a hand around his ear. This is one relic of the past that may be much easier to remove.

As the Divest Movement explained, too many old things linked to Whitman greatly reduces the awesomeness of the college. “Whitman is a rad place. We’re here to make sure the college is held accountable to that image,” Merkel said. “This action is urgent and necessary to make sure we don’t get stranded on the beach of irrelevance by the ocean of the future, like a sad sea cucumber.” Exhausted by too many metaphors in such a short time frame, Merkel sat back in her chair and took a long swig of home-brewed kombucha. She wiped off her mouth, leaned forward and finished the interview with a heartfelt and passionate, “I don’t want this college to smell like old people.”

With these actions taken, the Divestment Movement hopes to bring Whitman’s hipness back to its previous levels of 350 ppm. But will these new motions pit the campus against itself, at the cost of the mission of retaining Whitman’s dope-ness? The answer to this question can only be answered with time.